


Queen of Peace

by Dawninlatin



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual abuse, Eventual violence, Multi, also abraxos is one fluffy kitten, i am just a simple norwegian trying to understand the american school system, i am so sorry for the mess that this will be, i’m bad at summaries lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23580163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawninlatin/pseuds/Dawninlatin
Summary: A manorian high school AUManon Blackbeak is flawless, untouchable. From the outside at least. Her grandmother pushes her to achieve greatness, and she doesn't let anyone get too close in fear of being hurt. How can anyone love her when not even her parents could?Dorian Havilliard has always felt safe and confident around his friends. He might not have the greatest of families, but with Aelin and Chaol by his side, nothing can go wrong. That is until he tries keeping his greatest secret from them.What will happen when Dorian and Manon gets to know one another?  Can two lost souls find their way back together?
Relationships: Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Rowan Whitethorn, Asterin Blackbeak/The Hunter, Manon Blackbeak/Dorian Havilliard
Comments: 69
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This chapter contains mentions of both physical and psychological abuse.
> 
> Hello!
> 
> I never thought I would write a multichapter fic, but I got the idea for this and was unable to put it away, so here it is!
> 
> I have the full story plotted out already (although it is a mess), but don't know how often I will have the inspiration to write the chapters and post them. I don't want to make a posting schedule either because consistency is definitely not my middle name.
> 
> Also, if it seems like the writer of this fic has never stepped foot inside an American high school, you're correct. I'm just a simple Norwegian trying my best.
> 
> Enjoy the read!

_And we climbed onto the roof of the museum_

_And someone made love in the grass_

_And I forgot my name_

_And the way back to my mother’s house_

-Florence + The Machine, _South London Forever_

Dorian Havilliard had never been happier to be with his friends. He was currently standing in Aedion Ashryver’s kitchen, drinking a beer and chatting with Chaol. The final third of their trio was busy sucking face with Rowan Whitethorn. 

_A lot has changed while I was away_ , he thought. 

While his friends had been here - going to parties, hooking up with people, making memories - Dorian had been stuck at his family’s summer house, 700 miles away. 

He knew he shouldn’t complain, it was a _nice_ house - with a pool and everything - but if he had to take another day of his mother being wine drunk by 3pm, his little brother’s tantrums or his father’s extremely racist, sexist and homophobic comments he would go crazy. 

Of course, not _everything_ about his summer had been bad, but he didn’t want to think about that now. 

Instead, Dorian leaned back and took another sip of his beer, enjoying the fact that he was back. «I am not drunk enough to watch this,» he said to Chaol, nodding towards Aelin and Rowan, the former now licking - _actually licking -_ the latter’s neck. 

«I know, gross right?» Chaol said, mimicking himself throwing up and earning a chuckle from Dorian in the process. 

«When did this even happen?» he asked. Last time Dorian had checked, Aelin hated Rowan. Thinking back on how she always complained about the star quarterback being an annoying pain in her ass with his alpha-male bullshit, Dorian couldn’t quite fathom the sight before him.

Chaol looked towards them again with a disgusted look on his face. «No idea, I think they hooked up over the summer,» he replied, turning towards Dorian. «How about you? Met any cute girls?» Chaol wiggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

«Ehm..no,» Dorian replied quickly, finishing his drink. 

_Liar_ , he said to himself. He _had_ hooked up with someone. Had even been in a relationship, brief as it was. That relationship had been the only good thing about his summer, the only thing making it bearable. Yet he couldn’t get himself to tell his friends about it. He couldn’t get himself to utter the words:

_You know what? I did hook up with someone over the summer. His name was Vaughan and he looked like a god. Oh, I’m bisexual by the way._

Dorian had known for a few years now, but he still hadn’t come out to his friends. It shouldn’t have been this hard - he was living in 2019 after all - and they had been a trio for as long as he could remember. Dorian knew they would support him no matter what, but he couldn’t get himself to say it. 

His spiraling train of thought was thankfully interrupted when Aelin finally came strolling into the kitchen.

«What’s up, losers,» Aelin announced, hopping onto the counter. She tried giving them her usual smirk, but all snark and bravado was replaced by blushing cheeks and a huge grin.

Chaol handed her a drink, before saying: «Who are you and what have you done to our Aelin? I can literally see hearts in your eyes.» 

Dorian expected some sassy comeback, but she just giggled, looking towards the backyard where her boyfriend stood, talking to his friends. 

_Oh yes, things had definitely changed over the summer._

«I’m in love,» she declared, flinging her arms out and nearly hitting Dorian in the chest. «You should try it sometime,» Aelin continued, winking at Chaol. 

_There is the Aelin we know and love,_ Dorian thought. 

She turned her gaze from Chaol to Dorian, giving him a once over. 

«You,» she said - pointing at Dorian - «got hot over the summer.» 

He felt a blush spread over his face at her words. He guessed he _had_ changed a little over the summer. He had grown a few inches, let his hair get a little longer - the raven black curls almost falling to his eyes now - and put on a couple pounds of muscle. His mind wandered back to Vaughan and how he had shown _exactly_ how hot he thought Dorian was. 

He tried to change the subject over to something else, and said the first thing that came to mind: «I can’t believe we’ll all be seniors from tomorrow on.» 

Both of his friends looked at him then. «I know!» Aelin said. «But I’ve got a feeling this year is going to be great.» 

She threw her arms around their shoulders, before exclaiming: «I’ve got my boys with me after all. What could go wrong?»

And as his best friend grinned at him - the feeling of summer and freedom still lingering, music playing long into the night - Dorian couldn’t help but grin back, letting all worries and secrets fade away. 

_For now, at least._

-

Manon Blackbeak was sitting in her room, reading Animal Farm. The semester didn’t start until tomorrow, but the curriculum was always published a few days ahead, and her grades wouldn’t suffer from coming to class prepared. Her grandmother would only accept the best, after all.

She put away the book as she heard something rustle inside her closet. Seconds later Abraxos emerged, his head stuck inside a t-shirt. Manon sighed at the sight of the little black cat, but stepped over to help him. 

Once she had freed him, she was awarded with a loud purr, his head pushing against her thigh. Manon rolled her eyes at his antics. «You stupid worm,» she mumbled, but gave in and stroked him behind his ears. 

«It’s getting late,» she said to her companion. «We should head to bed, so we’re well rested for tomorrow.» 

As if he understood what she was saying, Abraxos hopped onto her bed and laid down on his usual spot, right next to her pillow. 

Manon turned off the lights before laying down next to him. 

_I will be a senior from tomorrow on,_ she thought. 

Her summer had been rather uneventful, as usual. They never went anywhere, never did anything. Manon’s grandmother was always very busy, so she only had her cousin Asterin for company - whenever she was home, that was. 

Manon spent her summers waiting for school to begin again, getting the time to pass by reading herself up on various subjects, always working to maintain her perfect GPA. 

_Only the best will do_. Her grandmother’s words echoed in her mind. _You don’t want to end up like your mother, do you?_

Manon had never met her mother - since she had died right after Manon was born - but her grandmother liked to remind her of how big of a failure the woman was, having dropped out of college after being knocked up by Manon’s father. 

She had never met her father either. Apparently the man was a drunken nobody, wanting nothing to do with his daughter. 

Her parents wasn’t something she thought about often, but once again she heard her grandmother’s words. _You will do better. Be better. Understand?_

Manon’s summer hadn’t only consisted of tedious schoolwork, she had also spent countless hours at the dance studio, practicing new moves. 

Dancing was her one great passion. She loved closing her eyes and getting lost in the music, her body moving to the rhythm on its own accord. On the good days, dancing felt like flying. 

That was the other reason to why she was looking forward to school starting again. She hadn’t danced with her team in months. They called themselves the Thirteen, and she was their captain. As soon the semester started they could get back to practicing, working towards their goal of beating Iskra Yellowlegs and her team’s ass. 

As she closed her eyes, ready to drift off to sleep, her mind wandered to Asterin. Manon hadn’t seen her cousin all evening, so she came to the conclusion that she had most likely snuck out to go to some end-of-summer party. It wouldn’t be the first time.

As if on cue, someone knocked quietly on her window. 

«Speaking of the devil,» Manon said to no one in particular as she got out of bed, walked over to the window and opened it, only to find Asterin standing outside. 

The girl looked wild, wearing her usual leather jacket, wavy, blonde hair hanging loose, make-up smudged around her eyes.

«Move your ass and let me in,» was her cousin’s only greeting as she stealthily climbed inside, barely making any noise. 

Manon chose to ignore her and crawled back into bed. Asterin followed, shoving Abraxos out of the way and laying down next to Manon. 

The cat gave Asterin an offended look before running inside the closet again. 

«How drunk are you?» Manon asked her cousin, trying to ignore the stench of alcohol. 

_This was going to be a long night,_ she thought.

Asterin turned to lay on her back. «Not too drunk, I can walk in a straight line,» she said, turning her face towards Manon’s and wiggling her eyebrows. 

Manon wasn’t too sure about that, noticing the slur in her voice. All of a sudden, Asterin started to giggle.

«What’s so funny?» Manon asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in her voice.

Asterin didn’t seem to care that her cousin would much rather sleep as she answered: «I’m just happy about life I guess. I have a boyfriend now.» She giggled some more, drawing out the syllables in _boyfriend_. 

Asterin kept going, «His name is Hunter, and he’s perfect.» 

_So that’s why she’s been out so much lately,_ Manon mused to herself. 

She went quiet after that, probably asleep already. Manon turned to lay on her side, -facing away from her drunk cousin - when Asterin spoke again. Her voice was quiet and surprisingly sober this time. «You didn’t tell her, right? That I was out, I mean. You know how angry she can get.» 

Yes, Manon knew first hand how angry their grandmother could get, the small, white mark she bore on her left cheek proof of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you finished it all, congratulations!
> 
> I just have to say that writing Manon is extremely difficult. She is one complex character. But I am trying my best, and decided to write her like I think she would be, had she been a human teenager.
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment:) Constructive criticism is always welcomed, as I am working towards improving as a writer.
> 
> Peace&Love  
> -Dawninlatin


	2. Chapter 2

_‘Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine_

_But maybe not tonight_

-Florence + The Machine, _Delilah_

Manon stared into her history book as the desks around her slowly filled up with students. 

People were talking about their summers. Parties and hook-ups and vacations and memories made with friends. 

She couldn’t have cared less.

The classroom buzzed with excitement over a new semester, a new year. She couldn’t have cared less about that either.

Manon only wanted one thing: To stay focused on her grades, get into a good college and get out of this hellhole. _Only the best will do. You don’t want to end up like your mother, do you?_

Shaking off her grandmother’s words, she looked up just in time to see Elide Lochan enter the classroom. The girl was wearing a light blue dress, wavy, dark brown hair cascading down her back, and she was headed straight towards Manon. _Fuck._

She had managed three years of high school without having to share a class with Elide, but apparently her luck had run out. 

Lochan was a walking ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always talking, always caring. She had been Manon’s best friend once, but that was a whole other story.

«Is this seat taken?» Elide asked, still smiling. Manon looked around to see that all the other desks had already been filled up with students. 

«I guess it isn’t,» she answered drily before diving back into her book, trying her very best to ignore the girl sitting down next to her. 

Elide put down her backpack, taking out her books and placing them in front of her. «How was your summer?» 

_That girl will only slow you down, stopping you from reaching your goals._

Manon shrugged, not taking her eyes away from the textbook. 

_She will find new friends as soon as you start high school anyway._

Elide - clearly not taking the hint - spoke again: «I really miss you, Manon.» Her voice seemed hurt, but Manon was certain she could hear a sliver of hope as well.

«No, you don’t.» She still couldn’t look up, couldn’t see the crushing disappointment surely written all over Elide’s face now. 

_You need to stay focused. You need to study, and not spend your time giggling over make-up and boys._

The next time Elide spoke, Manon lifted her gaze in surprise, for her voice was not shaking, it was hard, almost cold, as she said: «You think you can push me away, but I don’t believe any of this stone cold act you’re putting on. I _see_ you, Manon.»

«No, you don’t,» Manon replied quickly, voice emotionless. 

Elide didn’t cower under her stare, didn’t look away. She looked angry, and just as she was about to speak again, the teacher walked in.

Manon turned to face the board, their teacher clapping his hands together before saying:

«Welcome back! Before we get started on today’s lesson, I just want to let you know that the places you have now will be your places for the rest of the semester.»

_Fuck._

-

Dorian was walking down the hallway with Aelin, who was furiously ranting about some book she had just finished.

«-and then she went to find this creature so it could tell her how she could heal him, and it reveals that they’re fucking mates! It was insane! So she did the only sensible thing, she stormed off, leaving him, but a few days later he finds her and he tells her everything and she accepts the bond - and believe me, I was sobbing when I read that part - and then they have sex for like 20 pages or something, it was wild - there are other scenes like that too and I didn’t know so I was reading the first one in front of my mom, and she just goes: you okay there Aelin? You look a little warm. I shit you not, she actually said that as I was reading this super steamy scene - anyway, you think everything will be fine but on the last pages EVERYTHING goes to hell and then it just ends!»

Dorian failed to hide his grin as Aelin gestured wildly. She looked mad. «You done yet?»

Aelin gave him a sheepish smile as she said: «Yes, I’m done. I can’t wait for you to read this so we can discuss it together.»

«I’m gonna start it as soon as I have finished my current read, did I tell you about that?» 

But Aelin wasn’t listening anymore, Dorian noticed. She had stopped, her smile gone as she was staring at something ahead of them.

Dorian followed Aelin’s gaze until his eyes landed on Manon Blackbeak, standing by her locker, listening to her cousin with a bored expression. She was one of the seniors - just like them - but Dorian had never actually spoken to her. They had never shared any classes, and she wasn’t someone you could just walk over to and start a conversation with.

No, Manon Blackbeak was _untouchable_.

As Dorian looked at her, he had to admit she was rather pretty. She had long, silky, white hair, full lips wearing a bright red lipstick and her light brown eyes looked like molten gold.

_Stop staring, you creep,_ he scolded himself, shifting his attention to Aelin.

«You okay?» Dorian asked his friend.

Aelin finally seemed to come out of her trance. «Yeah, she just gives me the creeps,» she said, nodding her head towards Manon. «I had PE with her last year, and I swear to god, she has the emotional range of a teaspoon.»

He looked over at her, smirking. «Did you just quote Harry Potter? Nerd.»

She lightly punched his arm. «We both know I could recite the whole series from memory,» she replied, rolling her eyes at him. «Besides, you took that reference. Nerd,» Aelin mocked back, mimicking his voice and sticking her tongue out at him. 

Dorian laughed before realizing they now stood outside the science classroom. «Shit! This is my stop. See you at lunch?»

Aelin gave him two thumbs up and a grin before disappearing into the crowd.

As he stepped into the classroom, his mind wandered back to silky, white hair and a pair of golden eyes. Aelin might believe her to be incapable of feeling, but the depth of those eyes told a different story. A story Dorian wanted to hear.

-

«-five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three -.» The music came to a halt, Manon turning around to face the rest of her team.

«Why did we stop?» Vesta asked, panting slightly, always the first to speak.

Manon didn’t have the patience for this. Today had been stressful enough as it was. After having to spend an entire history lesson with Elide Lochan, her day had progressively gotten worse. It was only the first day of school, and she had already been assigned with two tests and a two-thousand word essay. 

«You’re falling behind again, Sorrel,» Manon answered, annoyance clear in her voice. 

The routine wasn’t that hard. As long as you focused on the music, it was easy to coordinate the moves. 

She could see Asterin rolling her eyes as her cousin bit back: «It’s the first practice after summer vacation! We should start with something easier to get back into the rhythm.»

«You should be in ‘the rhythm’ already. Actually, you should have spent your summer getting better. All the progress we had before vacation is gone now. If we wanna beat Iskra and her team we need to step up.»

_You need to be the very best. Always. I won’t accept any less._

Manon could see that Asterin was about to protest, but she beat her to it. «And need I remind you, Asterin, who’s captain of this team?»

She turned the music back on, her grandmother’s words still repeating in her mind. 

«We’ll keep practicing this until you know it backwards.»

-

Dorian was lying in bed, looking at old photos, an episode of _BuzzFeed Unsolved_ playing in the background.

He kept scrolling until he reached a photo of himself and Aelin grinning madly as they were riding a rollercoaster. He remembered Chaol chickening out at the last minute, how Aelin clutched his hand as they neared the top, himself puking into a trashcan as soon as they got off. It was taken years ago, but Dorian could still hear the children screaming in frightened delight, could still taste the cotton candy he had shared with his friends, could still smell the popcorn. 

If he focused hard enough, he could still feel what it was like being a child. When you had nothing to worry about, because your dad was the strongest, bravest person in the world and your mom could fix every problem. 

But it wasn’t like that anymore. They had grown up. Dorian had grown up, and along the way he had realized that his dad was a weak and pathetic coward and his mom could barely handle her own problems.

He looked back at the picture. It wasn’t just his family that had changed. 

Dorian, Aelin, Chaol.

It had been the three of them for as long as he could remember. Dorian couldn’t even recall how they had met. Aelin and Chaol was a constant in his life. The one thing he could always rely on, no matter what.

All of that was changing now. He could feel it. 

They would soon be scattered across the country for college, and Aelin was spending much more time with Rowan, now that he was her boyfriend.

_That isn’t the only thing keeping you apart,_ a voice inside of him said.

It was also the matter of the secret he kept from them. 

Dorian still hadn’t told them he was bisexual. His stomach grew heavy as he yet again reminded himself of the fact. 

He didn’t know what he was so scared of. They would without a doubt support him - and he wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality, not in any way - but it was always a possibility, always a _what if?_ And if he told his friends it would be out in the world, and Dorian would no longer have all the control. 

The secret inside him kept tugging and tugging, fighting it’s way out, but something stopped it. 

Dorian hated himself for not being able to just _say it._

He was _done_ letting this get in the way of his friendship.

This was the last year they all had together before going separate ways. He didn’t want to spend it pretending to be someone he was not.

He just had to find the courage first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're getting started!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this<3
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think<3
> 
> Also, I will begin every chapter with a Florence + The Machine quote just because no one can stop me;)
> 
> Peace&Love  
> -Dawninlatin<3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of psychological abuse.

_Mother, make me_

_Make me a song so sweet_

_Heaven trembles, falling at my feet_

-Florence + The Machine, _Mother_

«Is that drool I see on your chin?» 

Dorian chuckled as Aelin gave Chaol a deadly glare for his comment. They were sitting at the bleachers, watching the football field where Aelin’s boyfriend currently were busy doing push-ups.

She had suggested sitting at the bleachers to _study_ , had said that the fresh air was good for their brains. _How convenient that we chose to study outside at the same time as Rowan Whitethorn’s football practice,_ Dorian thought.

When Dorian and Chaol kept mocking Aelin for the way she was staring, she turned back to them, a smirk playing on her lips. Anyone who knew Aelin also knew that smirk meant you should run.

«It’s not my fault you lot don’t know how to appreciate the gift that is the male body,» she countered. Chaol groaned before shifting his focus back to his books. 

_Don’t be so sure about that_ , a voice inside Dorian said after hearing Aelin’s words, the ever-present unease in his stomach growing. He knew he should just tell them, that this would be the perfect moment.

_Hey, guys, there’s something I wanna tell you.._

It was just words. There was nothing to be afraid of. He just had to open his mouth and speak. 

But Dorian _couldn’t._ Every time he tried, he felt his throat tighten, the words stuck. 

He looked at his friends again. Aelin was laughing at something Chaol had said. Dorian hadn’t even registered that his friend had said something. _Just say it, you coward._

_It won’t make a difference. They’ll love and accept and support you no matter what._

Repeating the words inside himself over and over again, he tried to speak, tried to tell them the truth, yet over and over again, he failed. 

Dorian felt tears prick behind his eyes, getting more and more frustrated over the fact that he couldn’t just _say it._

He was sick of it all. Sick of keeping secrets, sick of pretending, sick of feeling like he was watching his friends from behind a wall. He couldn’t sit here anymore.

«I have to go to the bathroom, see you later,» Dorian mumbled, abruptly standing. He gathered his things and walked away, not hearing what Aelin was calling after him. 

He rushed past the students crowding the hallway, past the bathrooms. He just needed space, to clear his head, to think, to just fucking _breathe_ for a moment. 

Dorian swore he felt a pang of relief as he saw the wide double doors leading into the library. 

The library was surprisingly empty, which meant his favourite spot would be empty too. Not many knew about the little alcove hidden at the very back, behind a shelf of some old novels that no one ever touched. 

It had become Dorian’s haven over the three years he had attended high school. This was the place he went if he wanted to get lost in a book, or when he needed a break, or the times he just needed to sit and _think._

All thoughts from earlier disappeared as he reached the alcove and saw what was in front of him. As he spotted a white-haired ponytail. Because there - in _his_ spot - sat Manon Blackbeak, her head in her hands, her breath hitching and her whole body shaking.

-

As soon as the bell rang, Manon ran out of the classroom. She just needed to get away, needed to think, to breathe. Her head hurt, her vision was blurry and damn it, she just needed to _breathe._

Ignoring the students coming out of their classrooms, she headed towards the library. The only place she could think of that would be empty and quiet.

Her feet were heavy, but she forced them to move. She needed to get away, to be alone.

Once inside the library - which was fairly unoccupied - she went all the way to the back, where she found an alcove. The light was dim and it was cold and _exactly_ what she needed right now. 

Manon let her back hit the wall, before she sank down, her head falling into her hands. 

While focusing on her breathing, she tried _not to_ think about the red _B_ at the very top of the test she had hastily shoved down in her backpack. 

She knew it was only a test, that this would hardly matter when it came to her final grade, but her grandmother would not accept it. 

_You’re a disappointment, an embarrassment to this family. Do you think you will get anywhere in life with grades like this? I always knew you would turn out just like your mother. Weak and pathetic and-_

Her breathing grew heavy again, coming out in short pants. She tried to calm herself again, tried to block out her grandmother’s voice echoing in her head. She kept breathing, _in, out, in, out._

Manon felt her pounding heart calm a little, the ringing in her ears stopping, her shaking body shaking a _little_ less.

A sudden noise made her lift her head. She flinched slightly as she saw a boy standing in front of her, a worried look on his face. _How long had he been standing there? Why hadn’t she noticed him approaching?_

She recognized him as Dorian Havilliard. He was in her English class, and he always had his nose stuck in a book. 

Now he was looking at her like she was some wounded animal. She couldn’t stand the look of worry and pity on his face, so she schooled her features into that cold, unapproachable expression she was used to wearing.

«Are you okay?» Dorian kept staring at her, kept searching her face for any indicator that she was definitely _not_ okay. 

«It’s none of your business,» she mumbled. Manon knew she should have stood up and walked away, but she wasn’t sure if her legs could carry her right now. 

But Dorian kept standing there, looking at her. 

«Leave me alone…»

He didn’t budge, just stood there.

_Do not let anyone see you as weak. Ever._

«You’re in my English class, right? Manon?» He still had that concerned look on his face, and she couldn’t help but feel a little small under his gaze. She refused to meet his eyes. _What did he care if she was okay or not?_

So Manon did the only thing she could. She rolled her eyes and hissed: «I told you to leave me alone, can’t you take the hint? Besides don’t you have a book to get back to or something?» 

As her words hit, he finally shifted his gaze away from her. Dorian looked down on his shoes, before he stepped over to the wall opposite of her and sat down. 

Manon felt herself boiling with anger. _Couldn’t he just leave?_ She didn’t need anyone’s pity, and the last thing she wanted was to talk about what had caused her panic earlier.

Dorian opened his mouth to speak again, but she stood up, gathered her belongings and walked out the door before she could hear what it was. 

She heard him call after her - but like she did with everything else - she blocked it out.

-

Dorian couldn’t stop thinking about earlier today. About Manon, and whatever the hell she was going through when he found her. She might have claimed the opposite, but she was _definitely_ not okay. 

It was late, and he couldn’t sleep, so he had tried finding her on various social media so he could send her a message. He needed to tell her that he didn’t mean to bother her earlier, but if she needed to talk about it, he was there. He doubted she would reply, but it would make him feel better.

The mission quickly deemed itself impossible though. He couldn’t find her anywhere. He had tried writing her name in different ways, had found her cousin and looked at all the people she followed, but Manon wasn’t one of them. 

_Who are you?_ he wondered to himself.

His interaction with Manon had almost made him forget about what happened earlier with Aelin and Chaol. _One day,_ he thought. One day he was gonna be brave enough to tell them.

Downstairs, he could hear his parents fight. The _other_ reason to why he couldn’t sleep. They had been yelling at each other for a good twenty minutes now, and he doubted it would end soon.

Dorian closed his eyes, once again attempting to sleep. School was going to be hell tomorrow if he didn’t get enough rest. He almost managed to drift off to sleep, when his door creaked open and his little brother peeked inside.

Hollin was almost 7, and Dorian had to admit he was an annoying child. His brother was incredibly spoiled and was known for throwing tantrums if he didn’t get his way. 

But as the little boy carefully stepped into his room, a scared look in his eyes and his teddy bear clutched in one hand, Dorian didn’t have the heart to throw him out.

«I couldn’t sleep,» he said quietly, sounding as if he was about to cry. 

Dorian sighed, before making some space. «You can sleep here if you want.»

Hollin rushed over to him and climbed into the bed. Dorian put the covers around his brother before laying down himself. 

The room was pitch dark, and they were both silent, the only sound to be heard was the sound of their parents still fighting. 

Dorian thought Hollin had fallen asleep already at how quiet he was, but suddenly he whispered: «Do you think they are going to get divorced?»

His chest tightened at hearing his brother’s words. He had never really thought about how much the boy noticed. How much he saw and heard. _How much did he actually understand?_

«No, Hollin, I don’t think they are getting a divorce,» he said to comfort his brother, even though what he wanted to say was: _I hope they get a divorce._

«Thank you for letting me sleep here,» Hollin said back to him while yawning. 

«Goodnight Hollin,» Dorian said, listening to his brother’s breath become slow and even.

-

Manon was standing in the middle of the floor at the empty dance studio. It was late at night, but she didn’t care. She needed to be alone for a little while. Needed to get it all out. 

This afternoon had been a disaster. She had come home from school, and her grandmother had immediately asked how the test went. Manon had only reached into her backpack and handed her the piece of paper. 

She swore her grandmother’s eyes had gone dark as she saw the B. The woman had begun asking questions about whether she had studied enough, if she had paid attention in class, demanding to know what had made her distracted enough to fail. 

_«How could you fail at something so simple as math? If you keep this up you are going to end up like your mother. Do you not have any respect for yourself? You disappoint me Manon. You can do better than this. I will only accept the best from you. Do you understand?»_

Manon had only stood there, staring at the floor, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

_«DO YOU UNDERSTAND?»_

She had actually flinched when her grandmother had screamed. Her entire body had stiffened, so all she could do was reply a weak «y _es, grandmother, I will do better.»_

The woman had stormed into her study then, slamming the door behind her. Asterin was nowhere to be seen.

Manon sometimes felt herself get jealous over how little their grandmother demanded of her cousin. She didn’t have to study day and night to get straight A’s or make sure she was always the best. She did what she wanted as long as she didn’t get in their grandmother’s way.

Knowing that Asterin had it much easier simply because their grandmother didn’t _care_ made it all a little better. 

_She is a lost cause,_ she had said once.

And Manon knew the discipline would pay off one day. She would get into a good college, get out of this town, and _be_ someone.

Her grandmother’s lecture kept repeating itself inside her head. 

_Do you not have any respect for yourself?_

She walked over to the speakers and turned on the music. If she didn’t work harder, she would become a failure.

_You disappoint me._

She knew that she should stay home and study, should focus on her grades…

_If you keep this up you are going to end up like your mother._

Her grandmother had been so _angry…_

So disappointed…

_I will only accept the best from you._

Manon decided she didn’t want to think about it anymore. Instead, she started moving her body to the rhythm, letting herself get lost in the music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment to let me know what you think<3
> 
> Peace&Love  
> -Dawninlatin


	4. Chapter 4

_There is love in your body but you can’t get it out_

_It gets stuck in your head won’t come out of your mouth_

-Florence + The Machine, _Hardest of Hearts_

Asterin looked pissed. She and Manon were currently sitting on the floor at the dance studio, stretching after the long practice they’d just had.

«All I’m saying is that you’re not focused enough,» Manon continued. She had asked Asterin to stay behind with her so they could talk. Dance practice was about the only place she saw her cousin now, and even then, her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

While rolling her eyes, Asterin replied: «I just have a lot on my mind right now, besides, we’re doing good.» She shrugged, before moving on to her other leg.

Manon didn’t buy that whole _a lot on my mind_ thing, so she pushed further. «Like hell you have a lot on your mind. I bet it’s that boyfriend of yours keeping you so distracted, you seem to spend all your time with him.»

«So what if I spend my time with him, he makes me happy,» Asterin scoffed as she finished stretching, now standing up to leave.

_Oh, they weren’t done yet…_

«I don’t care how happy he makes you when you can barely keep up with the rest of the team. Iskra-,»

«Relax a little, nationals are _months_ away,» Asterin interrupted, turning around to face her cousin once more. 

Manon hated to argue with her, but someone needed to make sure everyone on the team stayed focused, stayed in shape. «Nationals being months away isn’t an excuse to slack off. You know I can replace you at any time if you don’t keep up with the rest.»

Always the hard, disciplined leader. 

Asterin almost looked hurt at her words. Manon kept her features cool and emotionless. She didn’t care about Asterin’s feelings. If she got kicked of the team, it was her own fault. 

«There’s nothing I want more than to beat Iskra Yellowlegs like the bug she is, but you don’t have to be such a bitch about it. Go a little easier on the team, we have never been as good as we are now.»

Manon didn’t bother responding as Asterin walked out, slamming the door behind her. The sound echoed through the almost empty room.

_They might be better than ever,_ Manon thought, but better than ever still wasn’t good enough in her grandmothers eyes.

-

Dorian usually enjoyed English class, but the teacher had been rambling about the importance of using formal language and how «kids nowadays talked to their peers». So instead of paying attention to what Mr. Norton was saying, Dorian continued reading the book Aelin had practically forced on him earlier. He had to admit, it _was_ a good book. Especially the main character’s love interest.

Thinking about that sent a rush of sadness through him. Dorian knew Aelin loved that character as well. In fact, she hadn’t been able to shut up about him for the past few weeks. There was nothing Dorian wanted more than to geek out over their joint crush, but that would also mean telling Aelin that he liked both girls and boys. 

He still hadn’t told them, still hadn’t found the courage. Dorian wasn’t sure what was holding him back…

The other reason to why he wasn’t paying attention in class was sitting two rows ahead of him. Dorian found his eyes wandering to the head full of white hair more times than he liked to admit. 

It had been a week since he stumbled upon her having a panic attack in the library. Dorian had wanted to talk to her after, but she was hard to catch. He never saw her in the hallway, never saw her near the football field, never in the cafeteria, a few days ago he’d even checked the spot he’d last seen her, but it was as empty as always. The only time he _actually_ saw Manon was in English class, but she was the last to enter and the first to leave, meaning it was impossible to go over to her desk and start a conversation while waiting for their teacher. Dorian had met her eyes, _once,_ but she had looked at him like nothing happened, like she didn’t know him, before quickly looking elsewhere.

«-which will mean a lot for your grades.» Dorian only caught the tail of that sentence, but he shifted his attention to the board. Apparently Mr. Norton had stopped talking about formal language and instead moved on to presenting some assignment. 

«For this project, you will be paired up two and two. You are to pick a book of your choosing, read it, and then make a podcast where you discuss it. I have put the deadline in two and a half weeks, it’s on a Friday.» 

This made Dorian feel very exited. He hoped he would be paired with someone who’d let him choose the book. He already had a few in mind…

«These are the pairs,» their teacher said, pulling a document up on the board. Dorian searched the list until he found himself. He felt a surge of excitement as he saw who he was paired with. Right at the bottom, was his name, next to Manon’s.

_This was gonna be a good couple of weeks._

-

_This day could not get any worse,_ Manon though, looking at the board. 

First, she had been woken up _way_ too early by Abraxos yowling at her window. Good thing her grandmother was currently out of town. The lack of sleep had put her in a fairly pissy mood. A mood which had been made worse by fighting with Asterin after dance practice. Then she had been unlucky enough to be paired up with Dorian _fucking_ Havilliard for a project counting 50% on their semester grade. 

She had to find some way to get out of it. She could tell Mr.Norton she didn’t have time to meet up with Dorian. That she would read a book on her own and make an analysis. Or just ask to switch partners. _Anything,_ to not do it with _him_ of all people.

What are the odds - in a class with 30 students - of being paired up with the boy who _happened_ to walk in on you having a panic attack a week ago?

Manon had zoned out in a train of thought, which were interrupted by their teacher speaking once again. «You can have the rest of this lesson to discuss how you want to go through with it,» Mr. Norton announced, sitting down behind his desk.

_Fuck,_ now Dorian was coming towards her. She tried to look as bored as possible as he leaned against the edge of the table in front of her, hands in his pockets. He ran a hand through his curly, black hair, before asking:

«Were you okay the other day? I’ve been meaning to ask you, but…» He simply gestured at her, instead of finishing the sentence. _What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

Manon tried to keep her features calm, cold. «What are you talking about? I’m fine. Besides, it’s none of your business.»

Dorian raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying it, so Manon answered with a glare. _That seemed to make him give up his interrogation,_ she thought as his expression faltered. 

«Okay, so we should probably discuss what book to read,» Dorian said reluctantly, not ready to let go of the previous subject _just_ yet.

«Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work,» Manon replied, her voice bored.

«And why is that?» The boy in front of her was smirking now. She wanted to punch him in the face.

Manon rolled her eyes. «Because I have a very tight schedule. We can just do it separately and then mix up our notes as we hand it in.» 

As soon as the words had left her mouth, the bell rang, students all around them moving to get out. _Thank god!_ Manon was about to get up and leave herself, but Dorian stopped her. He ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook before scribbling down something and handing it to Manon.

«Here’s my number. Why don’t you text me when you’ve found an available spot in your _very tight_ schedule.» After putting an emphasis on _very tight_ he had the audacity to wink at her, before walking out of the classroom.

And Manon just stood there, baffled by the whole exchange, with a sudden need to scream.

-

When Manon was lying in bed that night, she still couldn’t get her mind off the stupid project. She most definitely couldn’t work with Dorian, she decided. 

_So why do you still have his number?_

She cursed the voice inside herself. He meant trouble, and there had to be some way she could do it alone. She would talk to Mr. Norton tomorrow and figure it out. She didn’t need to think about it tonight.

Manon tried to close her eyes and go to sleep, but all she could see was Dorian, winking at her as he walked away. _Text me_ , she could hear his voice echo in her mind. 

Then there was the other thing bothering her. She still hadn’t spoken with Asterin after their fight. She had hoped they could declare peace over dinner today, but she hadn’t come home after school. It was now midnight, and still no sight of her cousin. She was probably at Hunter’s. 

Asterin being away meant the whole house was quiet. Their grandmother was away on some business trip and wouldn’t be back for another few days. Manon normally enjoyed the calm quiet of the night, but right now she couldn’t relax. Something was on her mind. 

_You have that something’s number,_ that voice said again.

«Fuck it!» Manon annoyingly exclaimed as she abruptly sat up, rousing Abraxos - who was lying next to her - from his peaceful sleep in the process. 

Ignoring the clearly offended cat, she reached for her nightstand, where her phone and the note she had tossed beside it laid. She opened her messages and typed in Dorian’s number. She didn’t bother saving it. Then she angrily typed in a message before sending it and tossing her phone back on the nightstand. She didn’t wait to see if he answered.

The message only said: **Saturday, 3pm, the library.** ****

Manon hadn’t even bothered signing it. He would have to figure out who it was from on his own. 

«Don’t look at me like that,» she said to Abraxos as she laid back down. The cat only purred before snuggling close. 

Rolling her eyes at him, she tried to be annoyed, but Manon had to admit she didn’t mind the warmth. The cat purred even louder, apparently agreeing.

As she closed her eyes once more, she tried very hard not to think about Saturday and the boy she had just texted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...
> 
> Sorry for not updating sooner, but school is being a bitch, and will continue being a bitch for the next week, so I have no idea when chapter 5 will be posted.
> 
> But, I can reveal that the next chapter will be all about Dorian<3
> 
> Also this fic turned out wayyyy fluffier than I imagined, but I don't mind. We'll blame Abraxos for being too cute...
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who reads and likes and comments and reblogs and leaves kudos...I LOVE YOU!!
> 
> Peace&Love  
> -Dawninlatin


	5. Chapter 5

_Say my name_

_As every color illuminates_

_We are shining_

_And we will never be afraid again_

_-_ Florence + The Machine, _Spectrum_

Dorian was sitting outside the school building, waiting for Chaol. They had planned to get dinner together- it was Friday, and Dorian wanted to celebrate the big chemistry test they’d both had earlier today. 

At least that’s what he’d told Chaol when he’d texted him last night. 

Around midnight, Dorian had gotten a text that only said: **Saturday, 3pm, the library.** The person who had sent it hadn’t even bothered signing their name. Still, as soon as Dorian saw the text, he knew it had to be from Manon. He swore he could even hear her voice saying it, full of annoyance over the fact that she had to give in and agree to work with him. 

He had replied **it’s a date** , and even added a smirking emoji, knowing it would irritate her to no end. Then he’d waited for her response - an emoji rolling it’s eyes or an insult or whatever - but she’d left him on read. Thinking about it now, Dorian doubted Manon Blackbeak used emojis. 

The exchange - and the newly made plans for his Saturday - had left him so high on adrenalin that he’d texted Chaol as well, not really aware of what he’d done before the message was sent. 

He was going to do it.

He was coming out to his best friend.

_Today._

The adrenalin rush from last night had most certainly worn off. Dorian’s heart was beating faster than ever before and his palms were getting uncomfortably sweaty. He most definitely regretted sending the text - even if it was just a question about dinner - hell, he even contemplated making up some excuse and bolting. 

But no matter how nervous he was, Dorian had decided to do it, so it would happen. Today. He was going to tell Chaol that he was bisexual, and then Aelin, and then some day in the future, he would tell his parents.

Dorian was sick of hiding, of pretending. Of thinking that his best friends wouldn’t accept him for who he was. They loved him, and his sexuality wouldn’t change any of that.

At least that’s what he told himself…

He pulled up his phone once more to check the time. The biology teacher had ended their lesson early today, so he had to sit and wait for Chaol’s lesson to end. The waiting didn’t exactly make his nerves any better.

_You have nothing to be afraid of,_ he reminded himself, probably the hundredth time that day. But still, there was this tightness in his chest, refusing to leave. He knew it would be fine, but he couldn’t let go of all the _what ifs_. 

As Dorian was about to check his phone _again,_ he heard the bell ring. Shortly after, Chaol came strolling out of the building. 

Dorian stood up, willing his knees to stop shaking and waved at his friend. 

«You ready to go?» Chaol said in greeting, nodding towards his car. 

Forcing a smile, Dorian gave a quick «yes» in reply, his voice cracking slightly. 

_Get your shit together,_ he scolded himself. 

Chaol asked him about his day as they walked over to the vehicle, but Dorian could only get himself to shrug. «It was fine. The usual.»

Dorian opened the door and sat down in the passenger seat while Chaol begun talking excitedly about something that happened in PE today. «You won’t believe this, Dorian-,»

He tried to listen, tried to pay attention, but the words didn’t register as the engine started and they drove away, towards the diner. Towards Dorian finally telling the truth.

-

As they were driving, the trembling and shaking and sweating stopped for a moment. Dorian had felt incredibly relieved as he found himself able to listen, to even contribute with his own stories and opinions, and they slowly eased into the normal, carefree conversations him and Chaol usually had. They talked about the chemistry test, about the day in general, their plans for the weekend - Chaol wanted to head to some party, Aelin too apparently - Dorian even laughed as Chaol vividly described how his teacher had managed to show all the photos from his vacation to Hawaii instead of a presentation on world economy. 

Talking about their weekend plans had also gotten his mind back on Manon. Dorian was genuinely excited for their project and the opportunity to get to know the girl. She might come off as cold and uncaring, but Dorian saw the way she looked at things, at people. He was desperate to find out what was going on in that mind of hers whenever she seemed to disappear in her own thoughts. He was desperate to find out who she _really_ was. 

-

The carefree feeling that had been present during the car ride was certainly gone now. They were sitting in their usual booth at the diner, trying to decide what to order. Dorian was shaking again, his hands trembling, heart thundering, lungs unable to get enough air. All the noise around him deafened by the roaring in his ears getting louder, and _louder and-_

«Hey!» Chaol waved his hand in front of Dorian’s face. «Are you okay? I’ve asked you the same question three times now…»

Dorian shook his head, willing his body to just _calm the fuck down._ «Yeah…um…just a little…peaky, I guess.» He tried meeting Chaol’s eyes, tried giving him a reassuring smile, fake as it was. Chaol didn’t buy it, his concerned eyes searching Dorian’s face for whatever was wrong. When Dorian just kept forcing that disgusting smile on his face, his friend finally shifted his gaze back towards the menu.

«So, what pizza do you want?»

-

Their food had been delivered half an hour ago, but Dorian had barely touched it. He was going to be sick. He needed fresh air, needed a break, needed some space. 

_Just do it, coward,_ that vicious voice echoed in his mind. 

The meal had been awfully awkward this far. Dorian had tried to speak, had tried to say it, but he could never seem to find the right moment, and when he did, his throat would tighten, and the words would refuse to come out. As a result, Dorian was barely saying anything, instead just staring down at his untouched food. 

At the opposite side of the table, Chaol was growing more and more suspicious, clearly sensing that something was wrong. Yet he didn’t say anything, just threw a worried look at Dorian every now and then.

Dorian felt his heart beating faster and faster, felt his chest tighten, blood rushing in his ears. 

_I can’t keep living like this_ , he decided. _It has to be now…_

It was so simple, in theory. It was just words after all. But the fear, the anxiety, refused to let go, and Dorian hated it. He was _done_ with being afraid, _done_ with lying awake at night, _done_ with keeping the truth from his best friends. He had _nothing_ to be ashamed of, _nothing_ that needed to be hidden from the world like some dirty secret. 

Chaol opened his mouth, no doubt about to ask if he was okay a second time _,_ but Dorian beat him to it. 

His throat tightened once again, mouth going dry, but he forced the words out. «I actually…um…wanted to tell you something. That’s why I asked you to hang out…» His voice was shaking so badly, and he was talking so low that he was surprised Chaol heard any of it, but he kept going. 

Dorian thought his heart was actually going to jump out of his chest - that’s how fast it was beating right now - as he watched the look of surprise on Chaol’s face.

«Oh, okay, go ahead,» his friend said, giving him an encouraging smile, brows slightly raised in question.

It was even harder to speak this time, but he was determined to go through with it. The matter of his sexuality had already been a secret for too long. He wanted to feel _proud_ of who he was, but it was difficult when he kept hiding it from his loved ones.

Ready or not, he was _done_ being afraid.

«I’m bisexual.»

Dorian wasn’t sure he was breathing as he waited for Chaol’s reaction, as he saw his friend’s eyes widen. He had pictured this conversation in his head at least a thousand times, a different reaction for each of them. 

_This was a mistake_ , that voice inside of him said. 

But then Chaol looked him in the eye, and said the words Dorian wanted to hear _so badly._

_«OH!_ Okay, cool.» 

Then he smiled at Dorian. He smiled the way he had countless times before. He smiled the way he had that one time when they’d been 8, and they’d ridden their bikes so fast that they’d crashed in Aelin’s neighbor’s fence, and he had scraped his knees and it had hurt so much, but the sun was shining and the air around them was warm and they were carefree, _happy_ children. 

And as Dorian saw that smile now, after telling him his biggest secret, after finally being free of the fear and anxiety, he felt a tear land on his cheek, the wave of relief and pride crashing through him.

After that one tear came another one, then another. Dorian would have felt embarrassed by the way he was straight out crying, but he was just _so_ relieved. _It would be okay. This didn’t change anything, and they would be okay. He would be okay._

As the first sob wracked through his body, Chaol rushed over to his side, arms coming around him in a warm embrace. «Hey, don’t cry, it’s okay-,» Chaol whispered, comforting his best friend.

Dorian managed to get out an «I’m sorry» in between the sobs, but Chaol interrupted him before he could finish the sentence. 

«You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, okay? You being bi doesn’t change anything, you’re my best friend, hell, you’re basically my brother. I love you, no matter what, you know that right?»

The only thing Dorian could do was nod while trying to stop the tears. The tightness in his chest was gone, he noticed. In its place was a new kind of indescribable joy. And pride, of finally having told someone!

_He had told someone._

He had told Chaol, and he still loved him. Nothing had changed.

_Everything was going to be okay._

When Dorian finally managed to stop crying, Chaol moved back to his seat. «Have you told Aeling yet?»

Dorian shook his head. «You’re the first to know. Congrats!»

Chaol laughed at his joke, and Dorian laughed with him, just because he couldn’t help it. He was so, _so_ happy. So relieved.

«So, how long have you known?» Chaol asked, voice curious.

«Since we were freshmen and I got a huge crush on Fenrys Moonbeam…»

«Not Moonbeam,» Chaol deadpanned. «He’s a walking cliché.»

«I know that _now,_ but I was young and stupid,» Dorian defended himself, the two of them talking about the fact that he’d had a crush on a _boy_ like they would talk about any other subject.

-

When Dorian came home that night, he felt lighter than he had in years. His heart was calm, his breathing steady and _so_ easy. He still had a long way to go, still had a lot of people to tell, but he had a feeling it would be alright. In that moment, he felt _invincible._

His phone buzzed, and he opened it to find a text from Chaol: 

**Hey, just wanted to let you know that this changes nothing between us. I think you are very brave for coming out, and I am honored by the fact that you told me first. You know you can talk to me about anything, no judgement, ever. Love you bro <3 **

**-Chaol** ****

_Everything would be alright indeed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter to write, but I am happy with how it turned out (even if it's a little messy, oops), and I want you to know if you are struggling with the same feelings as Dorian:  
> You are awesome, you matter, you are loved, and you have every reason to be proud of who you are, no matter what!
> 
> As always, constructive criticism and tips on how to make my writing not suck are appreciated:)
> 
> Peace&Love<3  
> -Dawninlatin


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started making it.
> 
> Had a breakdown.
> 
> Bon appetite.

_And I’ve been taking chances_

_I’ve been setting myself up for the fall_

_I’ve been keeping secrets_

_From my heart and from my soul_

-Florence + The Machine, _Lover to Lover_

Once Saturday arrived, Dorian had almost forgotten about his plans to meet up with Manon and discuss their project. He couldn’t blame himself for forgetting, not when yesterday had been so eventful. 

He’d done it. He had come out as bi to Chaol. After months and months of keeping it a secret, of hiding, of hating himself for being unable to just _say it,_ he’d done it. And Chaol’s reaction had been better than he could ever hope for. 

There was still a long way to go, he still hadn’t told Aelin, or his family, but he _had_ taken that first, terrifying leap of faith, and that mattered. His father probably wouldn’t have the same reaction as his best friend, but Dorian found himself not caring that much. As long as he had Chaol and Aelin, the latter whom he’d tell the next time he saw her, everything would be fine.

Then there was the case of Manon Blackbeak. Dorian still couldn’t quite believe that she had actually texted him, had actually agreed to meet up with him on a Saturday, of all days, to discuss some English project. Even as he walked through the heavy doors of the communal library, he had to pull up his phone one more time, just to be sure it wasn’t all some figment of his imagination. 

But there she was, sitting by one of the many tables, a notebook open in front of her. She was staring straight ahead, looking as if she might stand up and bolt at any moment. Seeing her out of school was… _strange,_ Dorian thought to himself. It felt as if he had entered some brand new, undiscovered territory, as if he had found a window, offering a look at who she really was behind the mask of uncaring coldness.

Walking towards her table, he wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his jacket, trying to calm his thundering heart. _You have nothing to be nervous about,_ he told himself, but he didn’t believe it for a moment. Dorian desperately wanted her to like him. He wanted her to smile and laugh and talk about the things she cared about. He just really wanted to get to _know_ her.

«Hey,» Dorian said as he reached the table, pulling out the chair on the opposite side of Manon, whom he now noticed wasn’t staring at nothing, she was listening to music. And she seemed fairly lost in it. _I wonder what she listens to,_ some voice inside him whispered. «Hey!» he said again, louder this time. That seemed to get her attention. She didn’t greet him back, her pulling out her earbuds and placing them on the table the only sign she even knew he was there. 

«What were you listening to?» he asked in a nimble attempt to break the heavy tension, the wooden chair creaking as he sat down. 

«Nothing.»

Dorian couldn’t tear his eyes off of her. Even while she was glaring at him, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere but here, there was no denying the fact that she was beautiful. Manon was wearing her usual leather jacket and vintage t-shirt, but her hair was loose, swept over one shoulder, and she wasn’t wearing any make up except for a bright-red lipstick. It somehow made her look younger, softer. 

Deciding to play this the usual way, Dorian gave her a once-over, before bringing out his signature smirk. «You look nice today. New lipstick?»

-

«Cut the crap already. I’m not here to make ‘nice’ small-talk or to pretend I actually wanna do this, so let’s just pick a book and get it over with. I have other places to be right now.» 

She must have done something really bad, Manon concluded, because some god was punishing her in the most cruel of ways. Dorian Havilliard was sitting across from her, giving her a look that, to her greatest horror, actually made her toes curl. He was handsome, there were no other ways to describe him, with his stupid, pretty blue eyes and his stupid, curly, dark hair. The smart choice would be to stay as far away from his as possible. He brought nothing but trouble.

_But you’re not smart, are you? You would have stayed away if you were. You truly are your mother’s daughter._

And it was true, what she’d said. She had other places to be, and coming here today was a risk, one she already regretted. Normally, she spent her Saturdays in the dance studio, honing her already flawless moves. She had to, if she wanted to stay on top, if she wanted to be the very best. _Nothing else is good enough._ Manon didn’t want to imagine what her punishment would be if her grandmother found out she had been slacking today. Even if this was all for a school project. Good thing the woman was currently out of town.

Her attention shifted back to Dorian as he cleared his throat. «I have been thinking a little, and I think we should do our project on Harry Potter.»

_Oh, he had got to be kidding her,_ Manon thought as she schooled her features to look as unimpressed as possible. Had she been anyone else, she would have laughed at his suggestion, but Manon Blackbeak didn’t laugh. The only emotion she showed was plain, unimpressed boredom. It was simply easier that way. Better to push people away before they got the chance to leave.

_Because how could anyone ever want to stay with her, when not even her parents could?_

But that trick didn’t work on Dorian. She was just as cruel and cold with him as she was with everyone else, yet he didn’t shy away, didn’t leave her alone. It was why she couldn’t stay away either. He saw something in her that no one else did, something she kept hidden in the very depth of her soul. Him asking her about her music had been enough to unnerve her. She didn’t share her music with anyone, but for a second, she had wanted to tell him, to show him. Dorian threw her off balance, and it terrified her. Not that she would ever admit it.

«It might not be the most traditional of choices, but there are a lot of elements to analyze and discuss, and Mr. Norton wanted us to show independence and originality. And besides, everyone loves Harry Potter once they try it.»

«Isn’t it a children’s book?» Manon asked, and eyebrow raised in question. She didn’t want to be here, and she most definitely didn’t want to read his book.

«Oh, you sweet, innocent muggle,» Dorian drawled. A deadly glare was Manon’s only response to what was clearly some nerdy reference she didn’t get. She did not have the time for silly stories.

There was a glow in his eyes now, a glow she knew all too well, only because she got that very same glow in her own eyes whenever she read about nearly forgotten historical events or some long lost mythology from worlds now turned to dust.

«There is no way I am going to read Harry Potter.» 

«Do you have a better suggestion?» As he said that, Dorian looked way too smug for Manon’s liking, but he had a point. She didn’t have a better suggestion.

Deeming her silence a good enough answer, Dorian leaned back in his chair, placing his hands behind his head. «That’s what I thought.»

At this very moment, Manon decided she hated group projects. She hated the lack of control, hated the fact that she had to compromise every damn thing, hated that her grade partly relied on a smirking bastard and his ability to analyze a book. A _children’s_ book at that. This was her senior year, for fuck’s sake, she didn’t have the time for this. She had to focus, had to avoid any distraction, her future depended on it, but Dorian Havilliard and Mr. Norton’s idiotic assignment made that very hard at the moment.

-

Later that night, as Dorian was sitting on his bed, once again reading the opening words of _Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone_ , he couldn’t help but think of how somewhere else in their small town, Manon was discovering this fantastic world for the first time.

He wished he could be with her right now, wished he could see her reactions to all of his favorite scenes. Would she laugh? Would she roll her eyes? Would she fall in love with it as much as he had? Dorian sincerely hoped she would love it, and after today, he had a feeling she was the exact type to get lost in a story.

Their meeting had been very awkward at first, and Dorian had nearly been sure she would get up and leave at some point, but as they had begun planning and discussing their project, they had eased into a natural, flowing conversation, undoubtedly being on the same page when it came to how they wanted to go through with their project.

Then Manon had come up with the idea of comparing fantasy to real life mythology, and it was as if a brand new person had taken her place. While she was explaining how fiction almost always came from real events, and how world history had helped shape most literature, Dorian had gotten lost in the sound of her voice, so eager and confident. 

She had almost smiled as she went on and on about ancient legends, her eyes practically glowing, and Dorian had felt like the fucking chosen one himself for being able to witness it. Manon had shown him a glimpse of herself, of who she was under that mask of carefully calculated coldness. 

_Did the real her look at everything with such passion?_ Dorian didn’t know, but he was hell-bent on finding out. 

-

Manon should have gone to bed by now, but that stupid book was impossible to put down.   


She had been right, it _was_ a children’s story, and yet it had sucked her in from the very beginning. _Was Dorian lying awake, reading, just like her?_

The world was quiet as her eyes hungrily roved over page after page, a single lamp lit in her otherwise dark room. She was all alone, with the exception of Abraxos, who currently lay sprawled on his back by her side. 

Asterin had not come home tonight either, and merely thinking about it caused a knot to form in her stomach. She had been lying to her grandmother about it for weeks now, protecting Asterin from the punishment that would surely come if their grandmother ever found out, but Manon didn’t think she could keep up the charade for much longer.

_I have done everything for you, to make sure you do not end up like your mother, and yet you have the nerve to lie to me? That ungratefulness will bring you nowhere in life. You are pathetic, weak, worthless-_

Manon could feel the sting of a palm against her cheek as she heard her grandmothers voice speak into her mind. She was becoming distracted, especially after today.

Apparently, it wasn’t bad enough that she was lying about her cousin, she had also lied today about her whereabouts. Instead of spending the day training, she had gone to the library to meet a boy. Dorian Havilliard to be specific. 

And Manon hated to admit it, but she had enjoyed the time they spent together. They made a good team, the two of them. She had tried her very best to stay cold and disinterested, but planning their project had made her eager. If all went to plan, they were going to nail it. 

Then there was Dorian. Manon had been set on _not_ liking him, but talking together was so _easy_ , almost fun. And the time had passed so quickly. 

Despite herself, Manon actually wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to keep talking and keep sharing ideas and thoughts.

_Friends will get you nowhere in life. They will only hold you back._

Her grandmother was right. She couldn’t let anything distract her. She had to be better. Had to do better. Beginning with getting enough sleep. 

Only one more chapter, and then she would put the book away, even if she had decided she wanted to stay at Hogwarts forever.

As Manon kept reading, she reached a scene that was so ridiculous she couldn’t help but let out a rich laugh, the sound echoing through the otherwise empty house. It was so earnest she felt it deep down in her belly.

And although she was smiling, the grin quickly faded away when Manon realized she could not remember the last time she had done so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, on a more serious note, I did not think continuing this would be so hard, and I am nowhere near happy with how this chapter turned out, but I did try, so A for effort:) 
> 
> Shortly after I published chapter 5 my mental health reached an all time low, and I found my motivation to be gone. I am doing way better now, and am still determined to finish this, even if it will take a loooong time.
> 
> When I started writing again, it seemed my brain had short-curcuited, so I apologize for how bad and out of rhythm this chapter is (what even is English, lol). I understand if you are disappointed, because so am I.
> 
> But I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who comments and leaves kudos and all that, without you, I never would have picked this story up again...Love u all!!
> 
> Peace&Love<3  
> -Dawninlatin


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to make it a little longer this time, as a treat:)))  
> (don't get used to it tho...)

_Would you leave me_

_If I told you what I have done?_

_And would you leave me_

_If I told you what I’ve become?_

-Florence + The Machine, _No Light, No Light_

«How’s school at the moment? Do you have a lot of work?»

Manon looked up from where she was chopping vegetables to find Asterin leaning against the counter, a curious look on her face. It was Friday night, and since her cousin had decided to stay home for once, they were currently in the kitchen, making dinner together.

«It’s okay, the only major assignment I have right now is a book project in English,» Manon responded, said book lying open on her bed, waiting for her to continue with it.

Asterin only nodded, turning back towards the stove. It had been like this the entire evening, the air full off awkward silence and unsaid words. Manon wasn’t entirely sure what had happened for it to be like this, who’s fault it was, but one thing she knew: She couldn’t take it anymore, not even for a minute. She had to say something to break the heavy tension.

«How’s it going with you and Hunter?» That certainly caught Asterin’s attention, considering they hadn’t spoken of her boyfriend since their argument a few weeks back. Manon didn’t want to bring it up again now, either, but there was a big elephant in the room, and its name was Hunter.

A blush spread over Asterin’s cheeks, and Manon wanted to throw up at the sweet, lovestruck look on her cousin’s face. «It’s all great,» Asterin said, smiling dreamily, «I really like him.»

Manon twisted back to her vegetables so that Asterin wouldn’t see how hard she rolled her eyes. She regretted asking. 

Her cousin didn’t seem to take the hint though, because she kept going, «I would have gone to his place tonight as well, but he’s visiting his parents this weekend.» _Right,_ Manon thought. Hunter was in college. He was only a freshman, only a few months older than Asterin, but still, he had a car, had his own apartment, was an adult. And their grandmother, if she found out-

«You haven’t told her, have you?» Asterin suddenly asked, as if knowing where Manon’s mind had wandered when she’d gone quiet. She _really_ didn’t want to have this conversation.

She sighed, putting down the knife she was holding. «No, I haven’t told her, and I’m not going to either. Just-,» Manon didn’t know what to say, had never been good with words, had always preferred expressing herself physically, «-just be careful, okay?»

«I know, and thank you, for not saying anything I mean.» Manon smiled at her cousin, the heavy tension between them seemingly gone. 

They continued their cooking in silence, but this time, it was the relaxed, calm quiet that came when you were so comfortable with being around someone that you didn’t need to talk. Manon relished the feeling, at least until Asterin opened her mouth and spoke once more, «You have some secret boyfriend too? You’ve been in a disturbingly good mood lately?»

Manon only emitted a choking sound, becoming _very_ interested in the floor as Asterin wiggled her eyebrows at her. She could feel her face go beet red, could feel her heart being thundering, yet she didn’t answer, and she didn’t have to either, as water suddenly began to boil and Asterin had to shift her attention elsewhere. 

_Thank god,_ Manon thought, silently cursing her cousin for even daring to ask, silently cursing herself for reacting in such a way, and silently cursing a certain blue-eyed, smirky bastard for being the first person she had thought of.

-

Although it was late September, the warm summer they’d had lingered long enough for Dorian and Aelin to spend their shared free period outside, sitting by the football field. 

Chaol was busy having P.E, his class running laps on the track around the field. Aelin delighted in watching them, in giving Chaol a mocking wave whenever he passed them, accompanied by a look that said, _Look at me, sitting here in the sun,_ not _running laps._

Dorian enjoyed himself too, but not because of his best friends misery. He had always loved this time of the year. When the trees turned red and yellow and brown, as if they were aflame, but it was still warm enough to bask in the sun with a good book. 

Which was what Dorian was doing at this very moment. He was about halfway through Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, and he was enjoying every second of it, especially since he would get to discuss it with Manon later that very day. Dorian desperately hoped she would like it…

Too lost in his own thoughts, Dorian didn’t realize Aelin had asked him something until she waved her hand in front of his face. «Hellooo, earth to Dorian.»

He shook his head, closing the book and carefully laying it in his backpack. «Sorry, I got a little…lost,» he mumbled, Aelin rolling her eyes. «What was your question?»

«I was just wondering what you’ve been up to lately. I know I’ve been spending less time with you and Chaol because of Rowan and all, but you seem different today, happier, more relaxed, than you’ve been for a long time.» 

_This was it,_ Dorian thought, taking a moment to ponder over what she’d said. _He had to say it now._ So he took a shuddering breath, before blurting out, «I’m bi.»

Dorian watched as Aelin’s eyes went wide, as her face broke out in one of the biggest grins he had ever seen, and he couldn’t help it when he let out a relieved exhale. 

«Oh! That’s awesome!» Aelin exclaimed, throwing her arms around him with such force he lost his balance and had to brace an arm behind him to keep them upright. Still holding him in a bone-crushing embrace, Aelin asked, «Does Chaol know?» 

Choking out something that sounded like _I can’t breathe_ , Dorian wormed out of Aelin’s grasp, smoothing his hair that looked slightly more disheveled than it had moments ago. «Yeah, I told him last Friday,» he answered, looking towards the field, where his friend had stopped running, instead looking up at them. As if knowing exactly what was going on, Chaol gave Dorian a proud smile that made him feel all warm inside. 

Dorian shifted his attention back to Aelin, cringing slightly, before saying, «Sorry I didn’t tell you first-»

«None of that,» Aelin interrupted, clicking her tongue. «Even if I am slightly offended you didn’t tell me first, I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me at all. I’m happy for you Dorian!»

This time it was his turn to pull her into a warm embrace, although less crushing this time. «Thank you,» Dorian murmured into her hair. Aelin tightened her hold in answer. 

After a while, they both pulled back, smiling softly at one another. Dorian hadn’t felt this light ever, he thought. It had been a victory, telling Chaol, but both of them knew now, he didn’t have to hide anymore. He had told both of his friends that he was bi, and yet nothing had changed. Everything was fine. No, everything was _great._

Looking at Aelin, he saw that her signature smirk had appeared, her eyes glowing with mischief and playfulness. Bracing himself for what was to come next, Dorian raised an eyebrow in question. 

That terrifying smirk only grew wider as Aelin said, «Does this mean we can talk about hot boys together?»

Dorian couldn’t do anything but laugh at her question, although he was sure anything could make him laugh right now. He felt so light he wondered how gravity was able to keep him grounded.

«I thought you had a boyfriend.» Aelin rolled her eyes.

«Yes, but me being on a strict Rowan Whitethorn-diet doesn’t mean I can’t _look_ at other snacks.»

«You’re gross.»

_-_

«Just admit it, you love it,» Dorian teased, and had they not been sitting in a library filled with other people, Manon would have punched him. Hard. 

It was Wednesday, and they were using their English lesson to compare notes. They had agreed to set this lesson as their halfway point, and Manon _had_ read half of the book, and then some. 

She wanted to hate it, she _really_ did, but she couldn’t. Since that Saturday, Manon had found herself unable to stop reading. Her busy schedule had made it so that she only could sneak in a few pages here and there, but she read, everywhere. She read while waiting for the rest of her team to show up to dance practice, she read late at night, until she was so tired she couldn’t keep her eyes open, she had even taken up the habit of eating her lunch outside, alone, so that she could read a chapter or two in peace.

Tired as she might be, it was worth it. The story was thrilling, funny - and with no better word for it - magic. Had the circumstances been different, Manon thought, she probably would have been as much of a nerd as Dorian.

But even if she liked the book, there was _no_ way she would admit it. Sighing, she replied, «I don’t. It’s a stupid, silly children’s story.» Manon had to bite her lip to keep her mask of boredom intact.

«Then why have you read three chapters past where we agreed?» Dorian asked, lifting an eyebrow while pointing his chin towards her book, lying in front of her with a bookmark marking a page way past the middle of the book. He was buying none of it, Manon realized, yet she couldn’t admit defeat. Never. 

Manon had to look away to stop herself from smiling, to stop herself from rambling on and on about how good this book was. «Because I will be very busy the following days. Dorian only gave her a look that said _Sure you will._

Dorian was about to open his mouth and say something else, but Manon beat him to it. «We should just get it over with, so you can go have your lunch-date with the librarian.» As soon as the words left her mouth, Manon realized what mistake she’d just made. Dorian looked over to the 90-year old librarian who looked like she had been in this dusty, old building since the dawn of time, and as if she’d heard what Manon said - which there was no way she could have done, Manon was fairly sure the woman was actually deaf - she winked at him. _Holy shit._

The boy in front of her only gaped, before he started laughing. Dorian laughed so hard his face turned red, laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair, earning a reprimanding look from a woman sitting a few tables down. Manon scolded herself for making that joke, for showing any other emotion apart from boredom and annoyance, for revealing that she might not be as uninterested as she let on.

Once Dorian had managed to collect himself, at least a little, he said, «I never thought I would witness the mighty Manon Blackbeak make a joke.» He grinned at her, his face still red from laughing, and damn her, Manon couldn’t help but grin back.

-

Dorian hated Wednesday nights. It was the one night a week where his entire family was home, which meant he had to endure eating dinner with his entire family as well. 

All joy from earlier today, from coming out to Aelin and working with Manon, disappeared as he sat at the table, listening to his brother throw another tantrum, while simultaneously shutting out his fathers voice coming from the end of the table. 

He hardly spoke during these dinners, content with just eating in silence and fleeing to the peace and quiet of his room as soon as he got the chance. 

Today was not one of those dinners. Dorian felt as if he was boiling with rage inside as his father kept talking, never shutting up. Apparently, gay marriage was to be legalized in some country somewhere, and his father was not happy about it.

Trying his very best to ignore out his father’s words, to ignore all the discriminating, homophobic comments that deep, arrogant voice wouldn’t stop spewing out, Dorian forced another bite down. The food felt like glue in his mouth.

After speaking to Aelin today, he had actually contemplated coming out to his parents. He had felt brave enough to do it. All that bravery disappeared the moment his father said a sentence so offensive Dorian decided he never wanted to hear it again, not even in his own head.

He felt anger and rage churn inside him, his blood turning to ice. Dorian wanted to get up and scream at his father. He imagined himself yelling, _«How can you say something like that when I’m sitting right here?»_ But he didn’t, he kept eating, kept pushing the tears back, kept silent, feeling heavier and heavier.

-

As Manon read the final words of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, she couldn’t help but feel a little gloomy. It was depressing enough that she was spending her Friday night alone, reading a children’s book, but she also only had a week left of her and Dorian’s English project. The deadline had even been postponed a week, yet she was sitting here, feeling sad that it would end soon. _Why are you feeling sad about that stupid project? You don’t actually like him, do you? s_ he heard a voice inside her say. She couldn’t decide if it was her own or her grandmother’s.

Manon hated herself for admitting it, but she _did_ enjoy spending time with Dorian. She enjoyed how easy it was to talk to him, how he made her smile and laugh, how he teased, but never mocked or judged. Had she been anyone else, she might had wanted to be his friend afterwards.

But Manon Blackbeak didn’t have friends. Friends were nothing but a distraction, and she couldn’t risk anything getting in the way of her future.

_You will only end up like your mother._

It was enough that she was seriously contemplating heading to the library before dance practice tomorrow, to pick up the rest of the Harry Potter series, she didn’t need to befriend Dorian Havilliard as well.

Besides, if she let her mask fall too much, he would take one look at the broken mess she really was and bolt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to comment, critique, ask questions, whatever you want:)
> 
> If you wanna send me a message, you can find me on tumblr as @dawninlatin
> 
> Bye! Imma go play The Sims
> 
> Peace&Love<3  
> -Dawninlatin


	8. Chapter 8

_Happiness hit her, like a train on a track_

_Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back_

-Florence + The Machine, _Dog Days Are Over_

_This is not going to be a good day,_ Manon thought, standing in the girls' bathroom, washing her hands. She was already late for class, but she had gotten her period this morning, and it had apparently decided to be a bitch this month. 

Not only had she been kept up half the night with cramps so bad it felt like she’d been gutted, she had also finally fallen asleep _right_ before her alarm was supposed to ring, and thus slept through it. She had barely made it to school on time, but then she’d had to make a detour to the bathroom, and now she was five minutes late to class. 

«Hey.» Manon jumped slightly at the familiar voice, looking up to meet Elide Lochan’s eyes through the mirror. _I do not have the time for this right now,_ she decided. She was sure she’d been alone, but turns out some God was playing some sick joke on her today.

Manon focused intently on her hands, refusing to meet Elide’s gaze. If she ignored her long enough, she would surely leave her alone. 

Seconds or minutes or hours passed, but Elide didn’t leave, she only stepped up to the other sink and started washing her own hands.

«How are you?» Elide asked, a hint of hope in her voice. Manon didn’t answer, just kept rubbing her hands, the skin going red. «I’m doing good, thanks for asking,» Elide said after what felt like an eternity filled with awkward silence. There was a certain bite to her voice that hadn’t been there before. _She really didn’t have the time for this bullshit._

Manon abruptly turned off the sink, grabbed her bag and practically sprinted towards the door. As her hand touched the handle, Elide spoke behind her again. «You can talk to me, you know. I can see that something is wrong.»

Manon’s whole body froze, her throat bobbing once. «You don’t know shit,» she hissed, not recognizing the cold, vicious voice she was speaking with. There was nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with her life. 

Yet her mind wandered back to when her grandmother had gotten home last night. The woman had been in a foul mood, had let all her anger out on Manon, her palm hitting Manon’s cheek so hard it had kept throbbing for hours after. She had even left a bruise this time, a bruise Manon had tried her very best to conceal. _Could Elide see it?_

When they were kids, Manon sometimes wished she could come and live with Elide’s family. Elide’s parents could adopt her, she could take Abraxos with her, she knew they wouldn’t mind and then she and Elide would be like sisters, could share a room, could play together every day. She saw how Elide’s mother smiled and laughed, how she looked at her daughter with nothing but love in her eyes, how she asked about her day and made her dinner and read her bedtime stories. Manon had usually felt all awkward and uncomfortable whenever Elide’s mother did those things for _her._

Once, when Manon had slept over, and they couldn’t have been older than 6, she’d been woken up by a nightmare, and had gone into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Elide’s mom had found her, and Manon had been terrified that the woman would yell at her, she’d started shaking, her heart thundering, had started rambling out apologies. But Elide’s mother hadn’t yelled, hadn’t gotten mad, she had embraced Manon, asking her what was wrong. Manon had told her all about the nightmare, and Elide’s mom had led her back to bed, singing to her until she fell asleep. When Manon had come home from the sleepover the very next day, she had told her grandmother about the nightmare, about Elide’s mom, had asked her why _she_ never sang to her like that. That had been the first time her grandmother had hit her. 

Shaking off the memory, still so clear after all these years, Manon made to push the door open, mumbling «I’m late for class.» Elide stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

«Can we just talk?» Manon met her eyes then, and she felt a wave of rage rise in her at what she saw. Pity. Elide was looking at her, and there was pity shining in her eyes.

«Move.»

«Manon-»

«Why can’t you just take the fucking hint and leave me the fuck alone? I’m done with you and your bullshit, can’t you see that?» She was shouting now, but she didn’t care, not as Elide went quiet, shrinking slightly under her deadly glare. 

Not bothering to hear her response, Manon showed the girl aside and hurried, not towards the chemistry lab, but the exit. School could go fuck itself. The whole damn world could go fuck itself.

-

The moment he heard the cackling sound come from her mouth, Dorian decided that hearing Manon Blackbeak laugh, even if it was caused by his own humiliation, was the most beautiful sound in the whole world. 

They had been in the middle of recording their podcast when he had said something that must have sounded like «Hey Siri», because all of a sudden his phone lit up and then a female, robotic voice said, «Hello Dorian, what can I help you with?»

When Dorian realized what had happened, he’d rushed to turn off his phone, knocking a bottle of water off the table in the process. His cheeks had been burning, his face turning beet red. He’d expected Manon to be furious, he _had_ ruined their recording after all, and this one would have been perfect, had he not been a clumsy idiot and forgotten to turn off his phone. 

And Manon hadn’t gotten angry, no, her eyes had first widened in shock, then, when it finally dawned upon her what had actually happened, she had started laughing, laughing so hard her face turned red, then purple, and she had to hold on to the table with one arm to not fall off her chair. Manon was always beautiful, but when she laughed like this, she was bewitching.

«Oh my god,» Manon managed to choke out between fits of laughter. «This is the greatest thing I have ever experienced. You should have seen your face-» And then the cackling broke out anew as she apparently remembered _exactly_ what his face had looked like. 

Dorian said nothing, just sat there waiting for her to finish laughing so they could make the recording once more. Hopefully he wouldn’t fuck it up this time.

«I’m so sorry,» Manon said at last, her hysterical laughter turning into a soft giggle. Dorian didn’t mind that sound either. The girl in front of him gathered up the notes that lay scattered all over the table, pressing the reset-button on the recorder. «You ready?»

In some miraculous way, they made it all the way through this time. Dorian might have been a stuttering, blushing mess, but there were no interruptions, no errors, no random fits of laughter, and as they listened to it, he had to admit it actually sounded pretty good.

Manon drummed her fingers against the table and nodded a few times. «I’ll be surprised if we don’t get an A on this,» she said, sounding pleased with their work. Dorian felt a surge of pride go through him.

«We’re a good team,» he told Manon, suddenly feeling sad that the project was over. 

She was smiling, but as soon as he said those words, that smile faltered, and her face got an expression Dorian couldn’t read. Abruptly standing up, Manon began to gather up her things, tossing them into her bag with hurried movements. 

«Well, thanks for everything. See you never I guess,» Manon mumbled, refusing to meet his gaze. She was about to walk out the door when Dorian stepped forward and grabbed her wrist, trying to stop her.

Manon looked down at where their hands touched, and then pulled back her arm as if he had burned her. When she looked up at him, there was nothing but rage in her eyes. 

«I’m sorry, I-» Dorian begun, but he didn’t know what to say next. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, either. The only thing he was sure of, was that the «see you never» didn’t sit right with him.

Crossing her arms, Manon waited for him to say something.

Dorian cleared his throat and said, «This doesn’t have to be the end, you know? We can still be friends.» He looked down at his shoes, unable to meet her eyes. Gods, he was even blushing.

«I don’t have time for this,» Manon said, turning to leave once more. Dorian reached behind her and closed the door. She was seething now, hands closed in tight fists. «The audacity-»

«We’ve had fun these past weeks, right? Who says it has to end?» Dorian pushed, not letting her finish. Manon merely scoffed, as if she had no idea what he was talking about.

«And we can keep discussing the books, because I know for a fact you were reading Prisoner of Azkaban at lunch yesterday.» 

-

_Fuck._

Manon had no idea what she was doing right now. She knew the wise choice would be to just leave and do her best to never talk to him again. Knew all of this was a bad idea.

_Yet you still stand here, listening to what he has to say._

«You don’t know anything,» Manon breathed. Their eyes met, and Dorian had that annoyingly smug look on his face. _Don’t I?_ his eyes seemed to say _._ He was winning this, they both knew it.

_Had his eyes always been this blue?_

Dorian took a step closer, and suddenly he was too close, too near. Manon’s back hit the wall with a quiet thud as she tried to step away. «What’ve you got to lose?»

_Everything_ , she wanted to say. Manon Blackbeak didn’t do _friends._ Friends were nothing but a silly distraction, a distraction she didn’t need, couldn’t afford. This was her senior year, and she had to focus-

It had felt so good when he made her laugh earlier. She’d been in a pissy mood after the fight with Elide, but then she and Dorian had worked on the podcast, and he’d messed up the recording, and the whole thing had been so ridiculous she’d broken into a fit of laughter so bad the muscles in her stomach still ached a little.

Being with Dorian felt like dancing, like flying.

_What’ve you got to lose?_

His words echoed in her mind, and maybe it was the laughing, maybe it was the talking, maybe it was the fact that she’d never felt this free, this light. 

Manon let out an exaggerated sigh. «Fine.»

-

As her phone vibrated for the fourth time that evening, Manon eventually put down her book and walked over to the cluttered desk to see who was texting her. She wasn’t surprised to see they were all from Dorian. ****

**Dorian: Wanna hangout tomorrow?** _22:37_ ****

**Dorian: Do you go to bed this early? How do you have time to do anything?** _23:06_

**Dorian: You’re ignoring me, aren’t you?** _23:23_ ****

**Dorian: :((** _23:35_ ****

«Idiot,» Manon whispered to no one in particular as she slung herself down on the messy bed. She really needed to tidy her room soon. Abraxos seemed to agree, since he had decided to sleep on a t-shirt she’d tossed on the floor instead of sleeping in her bed.

Manon smiled to herself as another message ticked in. 

**Dorian: I can see that you’re online now, so I KNOW you’re ignoring me!** _23:39_

**Dorian: _RUDE_** _23:40_

Manon chuckled as she typed in her answer. What harm could a little innocent fun do?

**Manon: Maybe I was too distracted by your breathtaking marvelousness to answer?** _23:42_

His answer came immediately, and Manon hated how it made her pulse quicken.

**Dorian: Who are you and what have you done to Manon?!?!?** _23:42_

**Dorian: Type 1 if you are being held hostage.** _23:43_

**Manon: Haha, very funny. I already regret this friend-thing.** _23:44_ ****

**Dorian: Sure you do:):) I bet you’ve been thinking off me all day, missing my breathtaking marvelousness;);)** _23:46_

What was the deal with all the emojis? Manon honestly did not understand.

**Manon: Creep.** _23:46_ ****

**Dorian: But for real, do you wanna hangout tomorrow?** _23:47_ ****

_Say yes,_ a voice inside her said. And she wanted to, damn it. 

**Manon: What’s in it for me?** _23:48_ ****

Manon knew how stupid this was. If her grandmother ever found out-

**Dorian: You get to spend time with me:)))** _23:49_ ****

Rolling her eyes, Manon put her phone aside for a moment. She needed to think, needed to clear her mind, needed to really consider what she was getting herself into. She didn’t have friends, couldn’t let anyone see her for who she was. She was a weak, pathetic, broken mess, and-

_Do you seriously think anyone would want_ you _?_

Her grandmother’s words echoed in her mind, and Manon was shocked to find that they made her feel angry. It wasn’t fair, to feel such things towards her grandmother, who only wanted her to succeed in life, only wanted what was best for her.

Yet Manon picked up her phone, her heart thundering in her chest, and typed in an answer. She didn’t wait for his respond, throwing away her phone and burying herself under her many blankets. He was probably done waiting anyway, had probably fallen asleep already.

**Manon: Fine we can hangout tomorrow. _As friends._** _00:13_

**Dorian: It’s a date;)** _00:13_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to point out that if you found any cringy errors in this chapter, it was written during math class and edited on a crowded bus, so I will not be held accountable for any mistakes:):):):)
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who reads this shitshow of a fic, you rock!!
> 
> Peace&Love<3  
> -Dawninlatin


	9. Chapter 9

_Sometimes I wish for falling_

_Wish for the release_

_Wish for falling through the air_

_To give me some relief_

-Florence + The Machine, _Falling_

«So what did you do yesterday? Since you’re doing your homework last minute.» Dorian looked up from his math homework to find Manon taking him in with an amused expression.

They were sitting in the busy coffee shop a few blocks from school, spending their shared free period eating lunch together. Or, Manon was eating lunch while Dorian tried his very best to finish the homework he’d forgotten to do last night.

A few weeks had passed since the two of them had agreed to be friends, and almost immediately they’d fallen into a rhythm. They got coffee after school, they hung out during free periods, they met up at the library to do homework together. Manon still claimed she only did this so Dorian would stop bugging her, but she’d been the one suggesting they go out for lunch today. 

«Erhm-,» Dorian begun, debating whether the truth would make her laugh or make him lose his last shred of dignity or both, even. Fuck it, he decided and confidently stated, «I was up watching Riverdale.» _If you’re losing your dignity, better do it with swagger._

It took Manon a while to actually register what he’d said, but when she did, she set down her coffee and let out a snort. A snort that quickly turned into her lilting cackle. One thing Dorian had learned over these past few weeks was that nothing made her laugh harder than his suffering, and to be honest, Dorian didn’t mind. Not at all. She was adorable when she laughed.

«You didn’t mean that? Right?» Manon asked, suddenly all serious. «Please tell me you’re joking.» Dorian shot her a confused look.

«That show is literal trash,» she kept going once she realized Dorian had in fact not been kidding. «Sorry I changed my mind we’re not friends anymore, sorry, bye.» Manon even went as far as to start gathering up her things, but the barely-there smile playing on her lips told Dorian she was very much enjoying this.

«You just have to give it a try, it’s not that bad,» Dorian said, Manon sitting back down across from him. As he noticed a faint blush spreading on her cheeks, something in his head clicked into place. «You’ve watched it, haven’t you?»

Rolling her eyes, Manon answered, «Yes, but it was years ago. I watched a few episodes with Asterin.» Upon seeing Dorian’s smug expression, she quickly added, «Unwillingly.»

_If it had been years ago…_ This time, Dorian was the one to break out into uncontrollable laughter. _Oh my god,_ he thought, clutching his stomach. «You thought the first season was bad??» he managed to choke out. Manon only looked at him with a dumbfounded expression, having no idea what was so funny. 

«I would give anything to see you watch season three and four. That’s when it really gets ridiculous,» Dorian explained, his laughter finally dying down. Manon chuckled and shook her head, returning to her half-full cup of coffee. 

She stared out the window, and Dorian allowed himself to take her in, if only for a moment. There had been more and more of these moments over the past few weeks. Moments where she was looking a different way, moments where Dorian couldn’t stop his eyes from landing on her, moments where he found it impossible to look away.  
  
Dorian hadn’t let himself think about what it meant. Manon had been very clear from the beginning that they were only friends, and they would never be more than that. 

Manon was like the sun, Dorian had decided. You knew you shouldn’t stare at it, but that was the exact reason why you did, why it was so hard to look away.

«Okay, but apart from Riverdale, have you watched anything good? I don’t watch much TV, but…» She never finished the sentence, seemingly lost in her own mind. Manon did that sometimes, trailing off to gods knew where. Dorian was certain it was a beautiful place.

Taking some time to think, Dorian tried to come up with a good show, sorting through the catalogue in his mind for something it was likely she had watched. Suddenly he thought of how she had loved reading a fantasy series, how eager she got whenever they discussed history or mythology. Hesitantly, he suggested, «Game of Thrones?» Manon’s eyes lit up. 

«Yes!» She put down her empty cup. «Oh that was so good-»

«-apart from the final season,» Dorian finished.

A sigh. «Jon Snow deserved better.»

«I know. His storyline was a tragedy.»

Manon bit her lip, sinking further into her chair. «You know, I only started watching it because I thought he was hot.» She blushed, and Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle. «I stayed for the plot though. I swear!» 

_Same,_ Dorian nearly blurted out, before a voice in his head reminded him, _Manon doesn’t know you’re bi._ He wasn’t going to think about this now, so he shook his head and forced his signature smirk to appear, ignoring the sinking feeling in his gut.

«I still can’t get over the fact that you drink chocolate Frappuccinos with _extra_ cream.» _Smooth, Dorian, it definitely does not seem like you’re avoiding the subject of your shared fictional crush._

«Why?» she chuckled. «You expect me to order my coffee extra bitter so it matches my soul? While we’re at it, let me just gather up my things and head home to my cottage in the woods where I fly around on broomsticks and brew weird shit in cauldrons. My black cat must be tired of waiting.»

They were both laughing now, Manon’s dark, wicked sense of humor still taking him by surprise. «For real though, what do you do when you’re not at school or at dance practice?»

«Uhm,» Manon looked down at her shoes, suddenly uncomfortable. They hardly talked about serious stuff, private stuff. Dorian was ready to change the subject once more, but then she spoke: «I listen to music a lot, I guess.» A shrug.

«Anything good?»

«Doubt it, you seem like the type to listen to mainstream shit.»

«Please. And I bet your music isn’t as special as you think.»

«I bet you don’t know half of the stuff I listen to.»

«Why don’t you give me some examples?»

«Why don’t I send you a playlist when I get home?»

«Can’t wait,» Dorian smiled.

-

_Gods, how difficult could it be to make a playlist?_

Manon had been sitting with her laptop for an hour now, scrolling through her endless Spotify library to find the perfect songs. Nothing too mainstream, nothing too personal, nothing too _im_ personal. This was one hell of a challenge, she decided.

After narrowing it down to twenty songs she loved, after finding the perfect balance between upbeat and slow, between sad and happy, after meticulously arranging the order, making it not only a playlist, but a musical experience, Manon decided this would have to do. 

_Why do you care so much?_ She didn’t dare answer the question, too afraid of what the answer might mean. This was just her sending a friend a casual playlist. 

Except it wasn’t. Nothing about her music was casual. It meant everything to her. Manon listened to music when she was happy, when she was sad, angry, whenever she felt lost and needed to be pointed back in the right direction. She listened to music when she was dancing, dreaming, disappearing. If one listened closely, her music revealed all her secrets, all her feelings, and for Manon, who was used to keeping it hidden away, locked in a box deep inside herself, sharing that with someone was terrifying.

But what terrified her the most right now, was that she actually _wanted_ to share her music with Dorian. Being with him always left her feeling light and happy, she had started craving that feeling like a drug. And today…today when he had made her laugh so hard she’d had to set down her half-empty cup so as to not drop it, for a moment, Manon had imagined what it would be like to just lean in and kiss him. It would have been so easy, would have felt so good. 

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that moment, about what it meant. _Was she falling for him? Was she actually that stupid?_  


The only solution, really, was to stop hanging out with him, to ignore her feelings until they went away. _So why haven’t you done it yet? Why do you keep going back?_

Besides, even if she wanted to be more than friends, there was no way he felt the same way. Sure, he kept joking about how their meet-ups were dates, but that’s all it was, a joke. Being in a relationship with Dorian also meant letting him see who she was up-close, and as soon as he saw the broken, messed up truth, he surely would want nothing to do with her. Better to spare herself the heartbreak.

_Ugh, feelings._

Manon decided it was too late to brood over such complex questions. Instead, she typed a quick message to Dorian, linked the playlist and hit send before she could change her mind.

**Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order.** _22:03_

And just like that it was done. Manon waited a few minutes for a reply and when none came, she quietly said to herself, «Girl, get your shit together.» 

She stood up, stretched, and stepped out of her room to turn of all the lights, ready to just go to sleep. Asterin still hadn’t come home, but it was late, so she probably wouldn’t show up at all. _What a surprise,_ Manon thought to herself.

When she reached the living room, she spied Abraxos staring at her from one of the couches. Manon turned of the lights and the creature immediately leapt to where she was standing in the hallway. «What kind of cat is afraid of the dark?» Manon asked her companion, sighing at his antics. Abraxos only stared up at her as if _she_ was the stupid one.

It was true that the cat was afraid of the dark. Ever since he was a kitten, Abraxos simply refused to be alone in a room if the lights were off. Manon found it equally confusing and adorable.

She walked back to her bedroom, Abraxos trailing her like a shadow the entire time. Laying back down on the bed, Manon picked up her phone to see if Dorian had texted back yet. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when there was no new messages.

«Calm down, it’s not as if he’s looking at his phone at all hours, just waiting for you to text him, you creep,» she said to herself.

Instead of waiting, she opened Spotify, plugged in her earphones, and pressed play on the list she’d just sent Dorian, contempt to shut out the world for a little while.

-

That afternoon, when he’d gotten home from school, Dorian had waited, and waited, and waited, for a text from Manon, including a certain playlist she had promised him. He’d stared at his phone for hours, like some creep, hoping her name would pop up.

Around 10pm he’d given up and opted for spending some electronics-free quality time with his family. _His mom’s suggestion, not his._ Dorian had lasted about 20 minutes, before he once again fled to his room.

Leaving his phone alone had worked it’s magic though, because when he reunited with it, there was a text from Manon waiting to be opened. He was so eager he typed the wrong passcode. Twice.

**Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order.** _22:03_

The text was written in typical Manon-style. No spelling errors, perfect language, no emojis, only periods. What kind of teen only used periods when they texted? Manon never seized to surprise him.

Dorian opened the link, finding a playlist full of songs and artists he’d never heard of before. _Told you._ He could almost hear Manon’s voice say it, a smug smile playing on her lips.

Plugging his earphones in, Dorian leaned back and pressed play. _In the right order, obviously._

-

About an hour later, as the final song died out into nothing, Dorian let out a long exhale, giving himself a moment to just _be._

He didn’t know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. It was all so personal, so full of emotion and passion. The complete opposite of what he would have expected from Manon. 

Dorian knew this was important. He had been shown a vital part of her, a part he suspected she hadn’t shown anyone before. 

_Who are you?_

It was a question he had asked himself over and over again over the past few weeks. Manon was a mystery, a puzzle, and all that music, all that insight, felt like the most important piece of them all.

_Who are you?_

Yet he wasn’t sure if this had given him answers, or more questions.

-

Manon listened through the entire playlist without being able to fall a sleep. She had too much on her mind, too many thoughts churning in her head. 

Her phone buzzed from the nightstand, and Manon sat up abruptly, knocking over a stack of books as she fumbled around for her phone. They landed on the floor with a bang, waking Abraxos from his carefree slumber in the process. The cat jumped and glared at Manon, then turned his back towards her, settling down once more. Manon did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue at him.

She’d nearly forgotten about the phone in her hand, but glancing down at the screen, she saw Dorian’s name, her heartbeat quickening in response.

**Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the _entire_ thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!! ** _23:41_

Manon chuckled at his enthusiasm, pleased at having been right. She was about to type a response when she heard the front door open, then the sound of someone trying to stay quiet as they made their way through the house. _Asterin._

She expected her cousin to go straight to her own room, but instead, Asterin stopped in front of Manon’s door, slowly pushing it open. She must’ve thought Manon was asleep, because she jumped slightly when she found Manon sitting upright, taking her in with curiosity and annoyance.

«I’m s-sorry, I thought you were sleeping,» Asterin whispered, her voice cracking. The sound of shuffling feet. A sniffle. _Was Asterin crying?_

Asterin walked over to Manon’s bed, and Manon made room for her, sliding under the covers. Asterin soon joined her, and neither said a word, Asterin’s soft crying filling the room.

«Did something happen?» Manon asked at last, unable to handle her cousin’s crying for much longer.

«You can’t tell her,» Asterin sobbed, burying her head in the mountain of pillows.

«Can’t tell her what?» Manon knew Asterin meant their grandmother, the heavy feeling in her stomach told her so. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the answer. It couldn’t be anything good. _Had she and Hunter broken up? Had someone hurt her?_

Asterin furiously shook her head. «You have to promise, Manon. She c-can’t find out!» 

«I promise,» Manon sighed, clearly uncomfortable. She’d never been good at dealing with crying people.

Still, Manon let Asterin creep closer, let her bury her face in the space between Manon’s neck and shoulder. Putting her arms around her shaking, crying cousin, Manon asked once more, «What’s wrong, Asterin?»

Asterin went completely still, not saying anything. Manon waited, waited to the point where she was sure her cousin had fallen asleep. 

As Manon closed her own eyes, Asterin whispered something that made Manon go rigid, the words so quiet you could barely make them out. 

«I’m pregnant.»

«Shit,» was all Manon could answer. She tried her hardest not to think about what their grandmother would do if she found out, panic spreading throughout her body. 

Asterin started sobbing once more, so Manon began stroking her back, telling her to breathe, telling her to calm down, pushing aside her own worry and fear, for now. «It’s going to be okay,» she whispered to Asterin, not believing her own words one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I haven't updated this in forever. Sorry.... 
> 
> But as an apology I do come bearing gifts. Not only is this chapter the longest yet, I also made a fic playlist if you wanna vibe<3 In the wise words of Manon Blackbeak, it is best enjoyed in the right order;)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3LFklksVGgX4X8LxoYzbbK?si=oC-3zOZMTC-B5Nd4C3QAZg
> 
> Also while I'm at it, a couple disclaimers:
> 
> \- I have earlier made a lot of references to Harry Potter, but I will no longer do so, as I am not comfortable with referencing the work of an author who do not respect trans people. I hope you all understand this.
> 
> \- Yes I mock Riverdale in this chapter and if you feel offended know that I will never understand how someone can actually enjoy that show but I DO respect you:)
> 
> As always, thank you sooooo much to everyone who takes the time to read, give kudos, like, reblog, write comments etc. For real I love you<3<3
> 
> Peace&Love<3  
> -Dawninlatin


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter includes descriptions of violence and abuse.
> 
> Hello!
> 
> First, I would like to say that I am very sorry for taking a long, but necessary break from this fic. Turns out my mental health doesn't like doing nothing for two months straight...Please accept my apology in form of this long-as-fuck chapter:)
> 
> Secondly, this chapter is far from perfect, but I have to admit, I'm kinda proud of myself with this one, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it:)
> 
> Lastly, thank you so much to everyone who likes, shares, reblogs reads, comments etc. I couldn't have continued this fic without you<3

_I know that you’re hiding_

_I know there’s a part of you that I just cannot reach_

_You don’t have to let me in_

-Florence + The Machine, _Hiding_

«Asterin, stop.» 

Manon’s cousin turned at the angry tone, stopping on her way out the door. She was schooling her features into the usual look of ignorant bliss, and it annoyed Manon to no end. How the hell could she pretend to be so calm when the world was turned upside down three weeks ago?

«What?» Asterin replied, smiling as if everything was fine. Manon pretended not to see how the smile faltered slightly, how Asterin’s jaw visibly tightened, her breath quickening. A crack in the perfect foundation.

Crossing her arms, Manon leaned against the wall, giving her cousin a glare. «We need to talk,» Manon said, her voice demanding.

She couldn’t believe how three weeks had passed, and they _still_ hadn’t talked about the fact that Asterin had been knocked up by her boyfriend. The morning after finding out the news, Manon had woken up to an empty house and a note from Asterin saying she was at Hunter’s. The following three weeks Asterin had managed to never stay in the same room as Manon for long enough to have a proper conversation. It was infuriating.

«Talk about what?» Astrerin replied, a sickening look of confusion on her face. 

«You know perfectly well what I’m talking about.»

«That’s not your problem to worry about.» Asterin was about to pick up her bag and head out the door once more, but Manon managed to slam it shut in time, blocking her cousin’s path. 

«It became my problem the _second_ you asked me to hide it from our grandmother,» Manon hissed at her. «You can’t just come into my room in the middle of the night, crying, and tell me that you’re pregnant, for then to pretend nothing happened!»

Asterin still faced the door, avoiding Manon’s eyes. «I am dealing with it,» she whispered, finally turning around.

Manon’s anger faded a little at the look of utter defeat on her cousin’s face. Her whole body sagged against the closed door, silver lining her eyes.

«Do you-» Manon hesitated, letting out a long sigh, «Do you need me to go with you? To the appointment?»

«What appointment?» The confusion on Asterin’s face was real this time.

«The abortion?»

Manon might as well have slapped her cousin by the way her head shot up, eyes narrowed, mouth formed into a tight line, hands balled into fists.

«You’re not keeping it, are you? Are you insane?!» Manon yelled. She couldn’t believe they were even having this conversation.

«That’s none of your business,» Asterin said, voice cold. And the way she was staring down Manon…she had never felt so small.

«You’re seventeen!» Manon was certain her cousin had actually lost her mind. She couldn’t be serious about this. A baby…they were still, technically, children themselves. And if their grandmother found out, _when_ their grandmother found out…

Shaking her head, Asterin said, «So? And for the millionth time, this isn’t your problem. I can-»

«It is my problem when you expect me to lie to our grandmother every day! It is my problem when I have to explain why you’re hurling your guts up every morning, or why you’re never around anymore! Do you want me to keep lying when your belly gets all round? Or when you have an actual, living _baby_ to take care of?» 

Manon was screaming now, but she didn’t care.

«You’re not gonna tell her, are you?» Asterin looked scared, and Manon could see that she was shaking a little. Manon was shaking too, but not with fear.

«I-» Manon began, groaning in frustration. «I just don’t know what you think is gonna happen? You’ll just have a baby at _seventeen_ and then you and Hunter and your baby will be a happy little family? That’s not how the world works.»

Asterin was tapping her foot against the floor, clearly pissed. «My mom was only seventeen when she had me.»

«And you see how well _that_ went…How long has it been since she called you, Asterin?»

The words slipped from her mouth before she had time to think. It was a low blow, and Manon knew it. Unlike Manon, Asterin actually knew her mother, had lived with her for eight years, until the woman one day just dropped Asterin off at her grandmother’s house. In the beginning, she often called, even visited, but Manon had no idea when Asterin had last heard from her mother. It wasn’t something they talked about.

Her cousin’s eyes were focused on the floor, and when she finally looked up, her expression cold and empty, it sent a chill down Manon’s spine.

«I’m gonna go now, before I say something I’ll regret.» Asterin’s voice was devoid of any emotion.

«And where are you going?» Manon breathed.

«To be with my boyfriend, who actually cares about how I feel.»

Manon tried calling after her, but Asterin was out the door in a heartbeat, nearly slamming it in Manon’s face.

They couldn’t keep going like this. It was driving her crazy, the hiding, the lying, the tiptoeing. All of it, just to postpone the inevitable. 

Because their grandmother was bound to find out at some point, and when she did, all hell would break loose. Manon could feel it, the wave of impending doom, coming closer and closer. 

What was Asterin thinking? She was _ruining_ her life. Everything their grandmother had done for them, to make sure they got into college, to make sure they didn’t end up like their own mothers - one of them dead and the other doing god knows what - and Asterin was throwing it all away.

Letting out another groan of frustration, Manon slammed her fists against the wall, head following suit. How could she? How could Asterin put them in this situation? 

All the stress and guilt and worrying was eating her alive. She’d stopped sleeping at night, couldn’t focus at dance practice anymore, could barely keep up with her classes. 

She had also began avoiding Dorian. Had outright ghosted him from the moment Asterin crawled into her bed, crying.

Thinking about it, she had been acting a lot like Asterin, with the way she refused to talk to him, never staying in the same room as Dorian for long enough to have a proper conversation.

It had been a mistake, all of it. The texting, the hanging out, the fucking _playlist_! 

He’d stopped texting her about a week ago. Picking up her phone, Manon began scrolling through the thread.

**Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order.**

**Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the _entire_ thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!!** ****

**Dorian: Are u awake?** ****

**Dorian: I listened to your playlist again…Damn you have good taste in music;)** ****

**Dorian: You left the classroom so quick today I didn’t have the time to talk to you, wanna get lunch?** ****

**Dorian: I really liked that playlist….** ****

**Dorian: Can we talk? Whenever you’re available…** ****

**Dorian: Have I done something wrong?** ****

**Dorian: Pls just answer me…** ****

**Dorian: I’m gonna stop texting you now, but I’m here if you ever wanna talk about what the fuck is going on…** ****

Manon felt awful for avoiding him like this, not even giving him an explanation, but her life was a complete mess, and it was better to end things before Dorian realized it too. It would hurt less that way.

But Manon thought about him often. Missed him, even. She tried not to think about what it might mean. 

Footsteps sounded outside, and thinking it was Asterin, Manon whirled around to confront her cousin once more, only to be met by the stern eyes of her grandmother.

The surprise must have been written on Manon’s face, because the woman in front of her said, «Expecting someone else?»

«No, I was just surprised. I thought you were coming home tomorrow,» Manon said, quickly shaking her head.

Her grandmother looked her over, always searching, assessing, judging. «And how have things been going while I was away?»

Plastering a reassuring smile on her face, Manon replied, «Good. The usual. I got an A on that history test I told you about.»

«Hm,» was her grandmothers only response, Manon’s smile faltering. «And the dancing?»

Manon swallowed, looking at her feet. «Getting there.»

«That is not good enough, and you know it, Manon.» She still didn’t look at her grandmother.

«I know, I’ll do better, I promise. It’s just…school has been very stressful lately.»

«That is not an acceptable excuse.»

«Yes, grandmother. I’ll do better.» Her heart was racing, palms sweaty.

«LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!» Flinching, Manon lifted her head, focusing her eyes on the wall beside her grandmother, unable to meet the furious stare.

The woman stormed over to where Manon was standing, grabbing her chin so hard Manon was sure it would bruise. Manon finally willed her eyes to meet those of her grandmother. 

«Pathetic, utterly pathetic,» her grandmother said, voice low. She clicked her tongue, and let go of Manon. 

«I will go into my office now, and when I come back out, you better be out of sight.»

And with that, she was gone, her office door slamming shut.

Bringing her arms around herself to stop the shaking, Manon couldn’t help the sigh of relief escaping her lips. 

At least she hadn’t asked about Asterin.

-

Standing in front of Aelin’s house, Dorian had no idea how he’d actually gotten there. All he knew, was that he couldn’t take more of his parents’ fighting, that he had to get out, had to rant about it to someone. 

The past three weeks had been stressful, to say the least. His parents were fighting more than ever and the load of homework, tests and assignments they were given at school seemed to never end.

Then there was Manon…Out of the blue, she’d stopped talking to him, stopped responding to his texts, making sure they never stayed in the same room for long. 

He had tried catching up with her after class, had tried approaching her in the hallway, but he’d been unsuccessful. At least until today.

_«Can we talk?»_

_Manon startled, turning around to find Dorian leaning against the lockers._

_«I’m late for class,» she mumbled, eyes on the floor._

_«Bullshit,» Dorian said, crossing his arms. «Class starts in 15 minutes.»_

_«I can’t-» Manon began, but she never finished, instead turning around once more to leave him._

Fuck, _Dorian thought, chasing her through the hallway like some stalker._

_«Manon! Wait!» he called after her, trying to keep up with her fast pace. She finally stopped right before the door to their classroom, tapping her foot impatiently._

_«Can we just talk? Please.» She still didn’t look at him._

_Dorian sighed, trying to meet her gaze. «Did I do something wrong?»_

_«No,» she whispered, the word barely audible. Manon looked up, but her eyes still didn’t meet his.  
_

_She looked tired, dark circles framing those golden eyes. And they weren’t their usual, glowing color today, more like a dulled version of it._

_Unease settled deep in Dorian’s stomach. Carefully, he asked, «Did something happen?»_

_«What makes you think that?» she asked hurriedly, her tone angry. Her eyes finally met his, shooting him a deadly glare._

_Before Dorian had the chance to explain, Manon said, «I don’t have time to play friends with you, which I told you, so please stop bothering me, and leave me the fuck alone!»_

_Dorian couldn’t move, could only stare as she turned around and walked away._

_He had known for a while what he felt for her. Had known he wanted to be more than just friends. Had hoped they could be more than friends._

_But Dorian just stood there, leaning against the wall, and watched that hope disappear into the crowd along with a white ponytail._

That conversation was maybe the biggest reason why he was now knocking on Aelin’s door. Dorian desperately needed advice, the kind only Aelin could give.

«Dorian! What are you doing here?» 

Lost in his brooding, Dorian hadn’t noticed Aelin opening the door. She made her way over to him, pulling him into a tight hug.

Drawing apart, Dorian saw that she was wearing her boots and jacket. «You’re on your way out, aren’t you?»

Aelin shook her head, her eyes worried as she took in his somber state. «I was gonna meet Rowan, but I think you need me more right now.»

Dorian was about to protest, but Aelin beat him to it. «He’ll understand.»

With that, he followed her inside, escaping the chilly autumn wind. There was no point in arguing with his friend, she was the most stubborn person he knew.

Dragging him into the kitchen, Aelin asked, «Is it an ‘eat ice cream and cry’ kind of crisis you’re having?»

«I think so,» he said, but Aelin was already digging through the freezer, not bothering to wait for an answer.

«Dorian! Haven’t seen you in a while,» Evalin Ashryver Galathynius said as she made her way into the kitchen, cheery as ever.

«Weren’t you gonna see Rowan?» Aelin’s mom asked her daughter while pouring herself a glass of wine.

«Change of plans,» Aelin shrugged.

«Good. I missed having Dorian around.» As she said that, she squeezed his shoulder, the gesture so motherly Dorian had to try very hard not to cry.

He had always been jealous of how affectionate Aelin’s parents were, so unlike his own.

«Is school busy these days?» Aelin gave him a warning glare, as if to say, « _Don’t answer that! She’ll never stop talking!»_

Dorian looked Aelin straight in the eye as he smirked and said, _«Very.»_

Evelin leaned against the counter, sipping her drink. «Ugh, you kids have so much pressure these days.» Aelin rolled her eyes.

«I mean it, when I was in high school-,»

«Here she goes…» Aelin said, low enough for only Dorian to hear.

«I can’t remember us ever sitting up half the night with homework. We got to be wild teenagers, you know, your dad and I-»

«Okay, we don’t wanna hear about you and dad, bye mom!» Aelin said as she bolted out of the room, grabbing Dorian’s hand and pulling him with her.

«Wait!» Evalin called after them. The pair turned to see her holding the bottle of wine.

«If you promise to not tell your father, you can have what’s left of this.» Aelin’s mother winked at the wicked grin appearing on her daughter’s face.

Aelin snatched the bottle, yelling «THANKS MOM YOU’RE THE BEST!» while making her way towards her room. Dorian followed suit, shutting the door.

«So, spill,» Aelin said, flinging herself down on the bed.

«I don’t know, it’s just been a lot, lately,» Dorian sighed, not knowing where to even begin.

«Your parents fighting again?»

That was one of the things he loved the most about Aelin. She always seemed to know what he was thinking, voicing the difficult words so he didn’t have to do it himself.

He let his head fall into his hands, groaning. «I know it’s awful, but sometimes I wish they would just get divorced.»

Aelin gave him a grim smile, passing him the wine bottle. Dorian took a sip, grimacing at the bitter taste. 

Searching him with her gaze, Aelin said quietly, «But that’s not the only thing on your mind, is it?» Damn her, and her ability to see right through him.

Dorian took a deep breath, before saying, «I made a new friend…»

«A friend, huh?» Aelin gave him a knowing smile, and Dorian could feel his cheeks turning pink.

«Yes, a friend,» he said, punctuating the last word. «We’ve been hanging out a lot, and for a while it was all great, but then she suddenly stopped talking to me and I don’t know why.»

Hard as it was, it felt good to let it all out.

«Wait, you said she? Is it someone I know,» Aelin asked, raising an eyebrow. Dorian tried handing her the wine, but she shook her head, giving him a look that said, _You need it more than I do._

Dorian thought about it for a long second, debating whether he should tell Aelin the truth or not. He recalled her words from earlier, _«I had PE with her last year, and I swear to god, she has the emotional range of a teaspoon.»_

Remembering that comment, he suddenly felt a wave of anger rush through him. Aelin had been wrong. In fact, he was certain Manon felt more than most people. 

When he didn’t answer, Aelin pushed further, «Is it someone from school?»

«It’s Manon Blackbeak,» he mumbled, words barely audible.

But Aelin had heard him, because she jumped up, a look of utter disbelief on her face. «You’ve been hanging out with MANON BLACKBEAK!?!?»

«Do you have to yell?» Dorian whispered, but Aelin didn’t hear him.

«HOW?!» she yelled even louder, throwing her arms in the air.

Giving her a glare, Dorian said, «If you _please_ calm down, I’ll tell you everything.»

And he did, from the very beginning. Dorian told her about the project, about the bantering, about the hanging out, about the playlist, all of it, and Aelin stayed unusually still the entire time. 

When he was done, she looked up at him and said, «She does seem like the person to do just that. Letting you think you’re friends and then just cut you out.»

«But you don’t know her,» Dorian tried. Aelin merely gave him a pointed look that said, _And you do?_

Dorian shrugged. «She didn’t seem like herself earlier today. Something was bothering her…But who knows, maybe she simply learned how much of a socially awkward loser I actually am and decided I wasn’t worth it.»

He had no idea where that last part came from, but it felt good to say it out loud.

«Oh, Dorian! Don’t you ever think that,» Aelin told him, shaking her head. «You’re literally one of the most amazing people I know, and anyone who gets to have you as their friend is the luckiest person in the world.» She was all serious, stern, even.

Holding back the tears gathering in his eyes, Dorian pulled Aelin into a tight hug. «Thank you,» he whispered.

«No problem. And if something was bothering her, I’m sure she’ll come talk to you again when she’s ready.» Aelin bit her lip, hesitating. «Are you sure you’re just friends?»

«Yes,» Dorian exhaled. «But-»

«But you wish you were more.»

He could only nod.

They stayed silent for a moment, before Aelin spoke once more. «You know, I only have guy friends, so I’m pretty shit at giving advice on things like this.»

They were lying in opposite ends of the bed now, facing one another. «I think you did pretty good,» Dorian said to reassure her.

«I still need to get some girl friends I think. I tried ranting to Chaol the other day about the trials and tribulations of living with a bitchy uterus, and I have never seen someone leave a room so fast.»

Dorian brought out his signature smirk, saying, «You can talk to me about your period any day, Aelin.»

Aelin stuck out her tongue in response, and for the first time in many, many days, Dorian laughed.

-

Manon opened the text from Asterin once more, reading the words.

**Won’t make it to practice today:/ Talk when you get home? <3** ****

Looking at it, she couldn’t t help but feel a little bad for how she’d acted earlier. They could discuss this in a civilized manner, hopefully coming to a solution that _didn’t_ involve their grandmother in any way.

Manon shivered at the memory of a hand grabbing her cheek. She’d been right, it _had_ bruised, and she’d had to wake up half an hour earlier today to cover it up with makeup. 

A knot formed in her stomach. How could she think such things of her grandmother, who only wanted the best for her?

Surrounded by darkness, she made her way towards the house, the air cold around her. Fall had finally settled over their small town.

As she made the final steps towards the door, she wondered why the lights were off. Surely Asterin would be up, waiting for her?

Unable to shake off the feeling of unease, Manon carefully opened the door. «Asterin?» she called into the darkness.

Her bag landed on the floor with a thud, the sound echoing through the room.

«Do you have something you want to tell me?»

Manon jumped at the sound of her grandmother, turning on the lights to reveal her sitting in the living room.

Her heart started racing at the quiet rage coming from the woman. Her brows were slightly furrowed, eyes glowing with fury, her mouth forming a tight line. Judging by how calm she was, Manon knew she was pissed.

«N-no, grandmother,» Manon stammered, looking at her feet.

Her grandmother stood up, slowly making her way towards Manon. «Don’t. Fucking. Lie.» she spat, her voice shaking with anger.

The slap hit her before she had time to react, her cheek stinging at the contact. Manon could feel blood slowly starting to trickle, but she didn’t dare move, didn’t so much as breathe.

«How long have you known?» Manon still didn’t move, only stared at the wall in front of her, completely paralyzed. She must have found out…Manon had to find Asterin, had to make sure she was okay…

«HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?!»

Quickly shaking her head, Manon tried to think of a way to get her grandmother to calm down, tried to find the right words. «I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,» she breathed.

The sound of her grandmother’s cold laugh filled the empty house, followed by the sound of her palm against Manon’s other cheek. Her head jerked to the side, staying there.

Her grandmother leaned in close, and Manon closed her eyes as she felt a warm breath on her face. «I have done everything for the two of you,» she hissed, «and this is how you thank me?! Going behind my back, lying and deceiving. You should be glad you’re not on the street right now, like that whore of a cousin you have.» She made a face of disgust.

«I’m sorry,» Manon whispered, as her grandmother took a step back.

«Here is what’s going to happen,» the woman said. «From now on, if you make so much as a single mistake, I’ll kick you out. Your grades, your dancing, everything, will be perfect. Understand?»   


Manon nodded, lowering her head.

«And that slut…She’s off the dance team, and if I hear you talk to her, so much as look at her, I’ll make you regret it. Am I being clear?»

Manon nodded again.

«AM I BEING CLEAR?!» 

Trying her best not to flinch at the raised voice, Manon managed to stammer, «Y-yes g-grandmother.»

Her grandmother clicked her tongue, shaking her head. «I truly thought you could be different from your mother, _better._ How wrong I was.»

The words stung almost as much as her cheeks.

«Now go to your room, I don’t think I can stomach looking at you anymore.»

«Yes grandmother,» she said obediently, hurrying down the hall.

As soon as the door closed behind her, Manon’s shaking body fell to the floor.

Around her, in her head, everywhere, it was going too fast, too much. The rush of blood, the way her lungs couldn’t get enough air no matter how hard she tried, the throbbing of her cheeks, the echoing of her grandmother’s disappointed words.

_I truly thought you could be different from your mother, better. How wrong I was._

She had to be better, had to do better, had to- 

Manon forced her breathing into an even rhythm. She had to stay focused from now on. No more distractions.

Manon didn’t notice how she’d stopped shaking, didn’t noticed the blood crusted on her cheek, didn’t notice the stillness of the world, didn’t notice how Abraxos placed his head in her lap, looking up at her with sad eyes.

She had no idea if minutes or hours or days had passed as she reached over to the headphones carelessly slung on the floor. Putting them on and pressing play, Manon drifted away to that distant place of hers, disappearing, dissolving. If only for a little while.

_Lay me down_

_Let the only sound_

_Be the overflow_

_Pockets full of stone_

-Florence + The Machine, _What The Water Gave Me_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up my dudes!
> 
> As always, it's been forever since last time, but hey! It wasn't six weeks this time....
> 
> Things are starting to happen now, though! Next chapter will be a filler, and therefore quite short, but that means I'll hopefully get it out in the near future.
> 
> Enjoy<3

** _And the heart is hard to translate_ **

** _It has a language of its own_ **

** -Florence + The Machine, _All This and Heaven Too_ **

«Manon! Gods, are you okay?» Asterin ran over to her, voice frantic, eyes lined with worry.

Throwing a glance over her shoulder, Manon contemplated the crowded hallway. There were too many nosey ears and eyes that could eavesdrop.

«Not here,» Manon hissed to her cousin, pulling her into an empty classroom and closing the door behind them. This wasn’t a conversation meant to be had in public.

For a moment, none of them said anything, and Manon let her eyes rove over Asterin. She was seemingly unharmed, and Manon couldn’t stop the wave of relief that coursed through her.

The same couldn’t be said for herself. She’d spent a grueling hour that morning trying to cover up the thin cut on her cheek, but to no avail, the angry red line still visible. She hoped Asterin was too distracted by the fact that she had just been kicked out to notice.

Uncomfortable silence filled the room, and in lack of better words, Manon asked her cousin, «How are you?» She wasn’t sure if she wanted the conversation that would surely follow.

«I’m fine,» Asterin answered, looking down at her shoes. «She was so eager to get me out that she didn’t even bother to fully yell at me.» She let out a low laugh, but it was devoid of any emotion.

«Anyways, I’m staying with Hunter from now on. I should have left months ago.» 

Manon didn’t say anything, only crossed her arms. Her grandmother’s words from last night echoing in her mind. 

_If I hear you talk to her, so much as look at her, I’ll make you regret it._

This was a mistake. She should have ignored Asterin from the second she approached her. Already, Manon was disappointing her grandmother, was ruining everything for herself. How could she be so stupid? So weak? 

She had lain awake most of the night, worrying about her cousin, trying to convince herself that she didn’t really care where Asterin was. For she was merely a distraction, an obstacle, keeping her from reaching her goals, keeping her from doing _better._

_I truly thought you could be different from your mother. Better._

She would. She would do better. Be better. 

_Yet here you are,_ that vicious voice in her head whispered.

«You can move in with us too. It’ll be a bit crowded, but we’ll figure something out. I’ve already clarified things with Hunter. We’ll figure this out, Manon.»

Manon blinked in confusion, taking a step away from her cousin, who looked at her with such worry, such pity. Manon didn’t want any of it.

«What are you talking about?» she hissed back, brows furrowing.

«You can’t stay there. You don’t have to endure her anymore.» Asterin’s eyes were burning with clarity, with determination. 

«And why not?» How could she possibly think Manon wanted to move away from their grandmother? The woman who had done everything in her power to make sure they succeeded in life. To make sure they didn’t end up like their own mothers. And here Asterin was, throwing it all away. _It was her own fault_ , Manon said to herself.

Asterin nodded towards her cheek, saying in a quiet voice, «She did that, didn’t she?»

Manon stilled.

_Was it that obvious?_

She focused her eyes on the wall, a feeble lie ready on her tongue. «I don’t know what you’re talking about. I startled Abraxos and he scratched my cheek. It won’t even scar.»

Guilt churned deep in her stomach for bringing her innocent cat into this, but she couldn’t handle Asterin’s judgement if she had known the truth.

It didn’t work though, for Asterin said, «We both know that’s bullshit. Abraxos wouldn’t hurt a fly.»

And it was the anger in Asterin’s voice that made Manon meet her cousin’s gaze once more. 

Betrayal, that was the name of the thing burning in Asterin’s eyes.

«Why do you keep defending her?» Her voice was shaking, with anger or sadness, Manon didn’t know, and Asterin didn’t budge.

«She only wants what’s best for us,» Manon said, chin held high.

«You can’t possibly believe that? She’s insane, Manon.» Asterin was raising her voice. Anger, then.

«Where would we have been without her?»

«She _kicked_ me out. She doesn’t care about us.»

Manon scoffed, crossing her arms once more. When she stayed silent, Asterin said, «How can you be so blind?»

She could feel her anger growing at Asterin’s accusations. _How could she be so blind?_ Asterin was the blind one for throwing it all away. For choosing something as stupid as love over her own future. Manon was done with this conversation, wanted to end it as fast as possible.

Which was why she delivered one last blow to Asterin. «Getting kicked out is the least youdeserve after getting yourself knocked up by a boy who will leave at the first sign of some real responsibility. Don’t come crawling to me when you find yourself homeless and heartbroken. You’re off the dance team, by the way.»

Asterin had opened her mouth to say something, but she quickly shut it as Manon’s words hit her. Tears began gathering in the corners of her eyes, and she placed a protective hand over her still-flat stomach. The sight made Manon want to vomit.

She was certain that Asterin would run crying out of the room, but she didn’t. Instead, she took a steadying breath, looked up at her cousin with narrowed eyes, and hissed, her voice as vicious as ever, «I thought you were different, but you truly are her creature.»

Manon slumped against the wall as Asterin left the room, not understanding why it felt as if she’d been punched in the gut.

_You truly are her creature._

-

Dorian had been staring at the same page for five minutes now. All day, he’d been looking forward to lunch, to finally finish the thrilling book he’d started reading earlier that week. Except it was impossible to focus. 

Everywhere, it was so loud, too loud. The cafeteria, his friends, his own head. 

The past week had been stressing, to say the least. Manon _still_ wouldn’t talk to him, and he hadn’t had the chance, either, since he barely saw her at school. It was as if she’d become a ghost.

He tore his eyes away from the book to scan the cafeteria, hoping to spot that white ponytail somewhere in the crowd. His heart skipped a beat as he spotted Asterin, Manon’s cousin, but she was sitting alone, Manon nowhere in sight.

As he finished scanning the room, his eyes met Aelin’s. She lifted an eyebrow in silent question. _Everything okay?_

Shaking his head, Dorian shifted his gaze to the door. He jumped slightly as he spotted something resembling white hair, but it wasn’t Manon, and he couldn’t help the disappointment that filled his body.

When he looked back at Aelin, her face said, _Don’t worry. She’ll come to you if she wants to talk._ Giving him a kind smile, she dived back into the conversation she’d been having with Rowan and Chaol. Dorian had no idea what it was about, so he tried to focus on his book.

_Don’t worry._

She made it sound so easy. 

Nothing about the he was missing Manon was easy. In fact, it was close to driving him insane. And it was only the tip of the iceberg of the many worries he had…

Like yesterday, when he’d had to sit through another one of the weekly family dinners.

Dorian wasn’t sure what was worse. His parents fighting or them pretending everything was fine. 

Through the entire dinner, he’d fought the urge not to vomit. All because of his father, sitting there, spewing out offensive comments, one after the other, his mother, pretending she didn’t hear any of it, and his brother, throwing ridiculous tantrums just to get their attention.

And it had been another dinner, where courage failed him, Dorian still hiding the fact that he was bi.

Someone in the cafeteria laughed a little too loud, and Dorian had to stop himself from covering his ears. He glanced at the clock. There were still 20 minutes left of lunch break.

«I-I have to get some air,» he stuttered to his friends, abruptly standing up, his chair scraping against the floor.

Before any of them had the chance to reply, he was out the door, heading towards his spot in the library.

He would have opted for outside, but it was pouring rain, so the library it was.

As Dorian rushed for the hidden alcove, he willed his breathing to calm, his head to keep quiet. All he wanted was some peace to read his book and not _think_ so much _._

What he hadn’t expected, was to find Manon.

-

_You truly are her creature._

Since the argument with Asterin the day before, this had been the sole clear thought in Manon’s head.

She couldn’t focus anymore. Not in her classes, not at dance practice, not at night, when all she wanted was deep, dreamless sleep. Instead, Manon laid awake, worrying. 

It was all too much. She couldn’t possibly keep her promise to her grandmother when she was unable to focus. She had a math test tomorrow, damn it, but whenever she tried to study, her mind went blank.

Luckily her grandmother had left for work again that morning. It made it all a little easier when she didn’t have to constantly lie about her schoolwork. 

Manon had no idea what to do when she got a bad grade on that test though…

Right now, it felt as if the world was moving faster than what she could follow. 

And all that guilt, for lying to her grandmother, for what she’d said to Asterin, for failing, again and again. It was choking her.

She’d gone to sit in the library, in that hidden alcove where she’d first met Dorian, during lunch, didn’t want to risk running into Asterin in the cafeteria, or the rest of her dance team for that matter. The news that Asterin was off the team hadn’t been met very well. 

At least the library was better than the girls bathroom. Her life hadn’t gotten _that_ sad yet.

_You wouldn’t be so lonely, had you not pushed Dorian away,_ a voice echoed in her mind.

Manon cursed it.

Still, thinking about Dorian made her feel all strange. _Was she missing him? Was this what was happening?_

It had been a mistake to befriend him, if she could even call it that. A stupid mistake.

After she’d finished her lunch, Manon glanced at the clock and saw that it was still 20 minutes left of the break.

She relished the stillness of the library. Here, breathing was a little easier, thinking, too.

That was, until a panicked-looking Dorian appeared around the corner of the shelf.

It felt as if they were back to that day, months ago, when they’d first met.

«Why do you always show up whenever I want to be alone?» Manon tried her very best to hide the surprise and comfort and sadness in seeing him.

Her words seemed to pull Dorian out of whatever stupor he’d been in, and he gave her a narrowed look. «That was _one_ time, and lucky for you, I’m not in the mood to talk right now.» His shoulders sagged at the last part, but his voice remained empty, cold.

As he sat down next to her, Manon was tempted do gather her things and leave, but she didn’t, as if curious to see what happened next.

_You can’t stay away from him, can you?_

She sighed, leaning her head back and closing her eyes.

Dorian didn’t say anything, the silence stretching out, becoming uncomfortable.

Sighing once more, Manon asked, «What’s up with the mood, anyway?»

«I thought you wanted to be alone?»

She didn’t answered, only stared, raising an eyebrow.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dorian said, «It’s just…a lot, right now.» 

Then everything poured out of him.

«Senior year is more stressing than I thought, and my parents are fighting all the time, which makes it really hard for me, because I’ve been trying to come out to them as bi for _months,_ but my dad keeps being a homophobic asshole and I don’t think my mom knows what planet we’re on, and then you stopped talking to me all of a sudden and just-»

He groaned, head falling into his hands. 

Manon had no idea what to say, what to do. She’d never been good with emotions. So she asked about the least complicated part of what he’d revealed. «You’re bi?» There was no accusation in her voice, or shock, only curiosity.

Dorian let out a breath of relief. «Yeah,» he said, voice weak.

«Cool,» was all Manon said in answer.

«You don’t care that I’m bi?»

«Why the fuck would I care about that?»

Dorian looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, that awkward silence returned.

Manon felt like she had to say something again. «I mean it Dorian, your sexuality is none of my business.»

«Thanks,» he said, giving her a tight smile. 

Manon looked down at her hands, picking at one of her nails.

«So,» Dorian started, drawing a deep breath. «Why are you brooding in the library?»

She gave him a look that said, _I’m not answering that._

«You’re the one who started this conversation.» Dorian stretched out his long legs, getting comfortable.

_Oh, she wasn’t getting out of this one._

«I’m just-» Manon sighed, not knowing where to start. 

_I feel like a constant disappointment to everyone._

_I feel like a failure, a liar, a fraud._

_I miss you._

«I’m lonely,» she said.

Dorian searched her with those blue eyes of his, his expression going sad.

«Maybe you wouldn’t be so lonely if you hadn’t ignored me for weeks,» Dorian suggested quietly, still looking at her. 

«You know nothing,» Manon hissed.

The realization of what she’d said, what she’d accidentally referenced, hit them both at the same time, and Dorian’s chuckle was quickly followed by one of her own.

«I’m sorry,» he managed to choke out between the fits of laughter. «This isn’t funny,» Dorian continued, but it was. It really was.

_Why had she thought it was a good idea to ignore him?_ Manon asked herself as she tried, and failed, to control her laughter.

Because for the first time in weeks, she could breathe again…even if the breathless cackling said otherwise. 

But everything it felt light, and easy.

Maybe…just maybe, this was what she needed to stay focused. To do better.

The only thing she was sure of, was that laughing with Dorian made her feel good, worries be damned.

When the laughter had died down at last, a few giggles still escaping them, Manon and Dorian were sitting against the wall, face to face, eyes locked on one another.

«Why are you staring at me?» Manon whispered, butterflies in her stomach.

Dorian swallowed, not breaking eye contact. «I’m contemplating how stupid it would be to kiss you right now.»

Manon drew a shuddering breath, all while gazing into those blue eyes. She could get lost in them.

_To hell with it,_ a voice said inside her. A voice she hadn’t heard before. It sounded wise, and confident, and Manon decided to listen to it. _To hell with it, indeed._

Then she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment, it means the world to me<3
> 
> -Dawninlatin


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Things are starting to happen now, though! Next chapter will be a filler, and therefore quite short, but that means I'll hopefully get it out in the near future." -Dawn, 2(!!) months ago...smh
> 
> I am very sorry for taking so insanely long to update, but it's here now!
> 
> It's not long nor good, but it has words, which is more than I could say a week ago, so not gonna lie, I'm a bit proud of myself:)
> 
> Okay, enough babbling...
> 
> Enjoy;)

_Hey, look up_

_You don’t have to be a ghost_

_Here amongst the living_

_You are flesh and blood_

_And you deserve to be loved_

-Florence + The Machine, _Third Eye_

_Holy fuck,_ Dorian thought. _He was kissing Manon Blackbeak._ Or she was kissing him, judging by how she’d just leaned over and _done it_. 

There were a million thoughts running through Dorian’s mind, and he couldn’t even make out half of them. All he could focus on was her lips. How soft they were, how good they tasted, the feeling of them pressing against his, searching, exploring, the feeling of her hair tangled between his fingers…

_He was kissing Manon Blackbeak._

And in the library, of all places. The scene was as if taken straight out of a wet dream. Thirteen-year-old him no doubt would have been proud. 

«Manon» he whispered against her lips, drawing back slightly. She let out a breathless noise at the lack of contact, and leaned her forehead against his. 

Dorian had no idea what to do, his hands still awkwardly holding her. He felt like he should say something, but before he got the chance, Manon withdrew at least, looking at him with a newfound curiosity. 

He felt himself blush under her gaze, and she chuckled, biting her lip.

«I-» they both said simultaneously, filling the otherwise empty room with giggles and blushing faces once more. 

_This was really happening!_ Dorian had to remind himself, over and over again.

He looked at her once more, at the way her hair shone in the soft light, at her blushing cheeks, at her full lips. Her eyes shifted to his own, the blush replaced by something hungry, and Dorian swallowed once, before leaning towards her-

Then the bell rang, and the moment was over.

«Shit!» Manon blurted, scrambling to her feet.

Dorian didn’t move from his spot on the floor, he was busy trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. Like an idiot, he opened his mouth and said, «Wait! Don’t go yet, please…» 

Manon stopped, throwing an anxious glance towards the door, towards the hallway filling up with students. «I can’t miss class, Dorian.» 

He knew that all too well himself, but he kept going. «We should talk….just a few minutes.»

Shaking her head, she looked at the door once more. «I can’t,» she whispered, her expression faltering slightly. «I’ll text you, okay?» Then she was out the door, leaving Dorian by himself, as if their kiss had never happened.

And how on earth _had_ it even happened? He’d come here because he needed to escape, to disappear, and then _she’d_ been there, just like the day they’d met, months ago. 

He hadn’t meant to tell Manon everything, about his parents, about his sexuality, but some part of him wanted her to know, because he trusted her, and he knew she wouldn’t judge or take pity on him. So he’d told her.

She’d given him a truth of her own, then. « _I’m lonely.»_

The words said so little, yet so much. He doubted she’d ever been this vulnerable with anyone, not with the way her voice trembled. By the look on her face, Dorian could see that this revelation was only the tip of the iceberg, but those glowing eyes begged him to not ask, not push further, so he didn’t.

Maybe she’d kissed him just to avoid talking. Maybe she’d done it because she’d wanted to. For a long while. Like he had. 

Dorian found he didn’t care though. Not now, at least. They would have to talk about it, of course, but right now…right now, all he wanted was to savor the feeling of her lips on his and revel in the fact that _Manon Blackbeak had fucking kissed him._

Collecting himself, he let out a long breath before he, too, headed towards the door. To math, and the utterly _delightful_ company of one Aelin Galathynius.

_He was so screwed._

-

Aelin followed him with suspicious eyes all the way from the door to their shared desk at the far end of the classroom. Mumbling a quick «I forgot the time, sorry,» to a disappointed-looking Mr. Kelley, Dorian hurried over to his seat, all while communicating for Aelin to _«Keep your mouth shut for god’s sake.»_

She didn’t, naturally, and as soon as his body hit the chair, she turned around with a frown on her face. «Why are you late?!» Her voice wasn’t exactly quiet, which earned her a stern glare from the teacher. Leaning in closer, she whispered, «Have you been crying?»

«Gods, no!» Dorian hissed in a low voice, trying to keep it down. «Why would you think that?» he followed, while opening his textbook to what he hoped was the right page. The equations on the board could have been random doodles for all he knew.

«Your face is all red and puffy,» she twirled her hand in front of her own, «and you didn’t exactly seem okay when you left the cafeteria…» That made Dorian blush even harder than he apparently had before. He’d forgotten all about what happened in the cafeteria, why he’d fled to the library in the first place. All he could think of was Manon and her wicked mouth…

Beside him, he could see the puzzle pieces click to place inside Aelin’s head, but as she narrowed her eyes, accusation ready on her lips, Mr. Kelley saved him by saying, «Ms. Galathynius, Mr. Havilliard, would you two like to come up here and show the rest of the class how you solve this problem?» 

He gestured to the board, to the very difficult-looking equation scribbled there. Dorian shook his head, Aelin following suit. «Good. Then I suggest you two keep your mouthes shut and pay attention.»

By the end of the lesson, Dorian still hadn’t the faintest idea what they were actually talking about, but how was it possible to do math when your crush had just kissed you?

«Walk together to geography?» Aelin chirped, having already gathered her things. He could see how she itched to question him about earlier.

«I…eh,» Dorian tried, not ready for the full-on interrogation that awaited him. «I have to fix something, but I’ll, uh, meet you there?» If he left quick enough, he might catch Manon in the hallway. It would only raise Aelin’s suspicions, but he had to speak with Manon

Giving Aelin an awkward wave, he turned and rushed to the door.

Before he made it, a hand on his shoulder stopped him, pulling him back. «A quick word with you, Mr. Havilliard.» Looking up, Dorian met the terrifying eyes of Mr. Kelley. 

Dorian gave him a tight smile as he sat down on the edge of the closest desk, but his heart was racing. How would he get out of this one?

On her way out, Aelin loudly mouthed « _Good luck»_ while sliding a finger across her throat, the traitor. Why didn’t she have to stay behind?

«On with you now, Ms. Galathynius,» Mr. Kelley said, letting out a sigh. Then he closed the door behind her and turned towards Dorian. 

«No need to look so frightened,» he reassured. Dorian forced himself to chuckle, but it sounded as nervous as he felt.

«I only wanted to let you know that this is the fourth time you’ve been late this year.» 

Dorian opened his mouth to make up some excuse, but the old teacher interrupted him. «I’m not interested in why. You could have been kidnapped for all I care.»

«Okay…?» Dorian began, but it seemed Mr. Kelley still wasn’t done talking.

«Next time I will have to give you detention, so this is your official warning.» Although his words were stern, it didn’t look like the teacher took this very seriously. It seemed more like the « _school says this conversation is mandatory but honestly I couldn’t care less» -_ kind of conversation.

As he stood back up, feeling a little relieved, Dorian said, «It won’t happen again, I promise.»

Mr. Kelley only made a half-hearted gesture towards the door. Opening it, Dorian heard from behind him, «Oh, and while the company of Ms. Galathynius can be quite entertaining, you do have math for a reason."

«Got it, sir,» was all Dorian replied. It wasn’t his fault him and Aelin had been seated together. Everyone knew that was the recipe for disaster.

Again, the stupid bell with horrible timing rang the second he stepped into the hallway, killing all hope he’d had to find Manon.

Grudgingly, Dorian made his way towards geography, telling himself she would keep her promise and text him.

_He needed her to._

_-_

Manon sighed as she deleted yet another unsent message. She’d promised Dorian she’d text him, and she _would,_ but she had no idea what to say. 

_She’d kissed him._

And now they needed to talk about it…

It hadn’t been intentional, but Manon’d had a shitty day, and he’d been there, and it’d felt so good to talk to him again, to laugh with him again, so she’d just done it, her grandmother’s orders be damned.

She knew all too well the amount of trouble this would get her in if her grandmother ever found out, however, Manon also had to focus on her schoolwork, had to get perfect grades, and she couldn’t do that when she spent all waking hours worrying about whether he had feelings for her or not.

So she’d taken matters into her own hands, _and fucking kissed him…_

Then the bell had rung, and she’d rushed off to class, leaving Dorian alone. Manon easily could have ditched with him, her thoughts had been too occupied by soft lips and exploring hands to really learn any biology, but once more her grandmother’s words had echoed in her head. It should have scared her, that she even considered ditching.

_From now on, if you make so much as a single mistake, I’ll kick you out._

She would have to be careful. So very careful. 

Usually, she would have felt bad for lying about Dorian, but he wasn’t a distraction, she told herself. _He makes you happy, which makes you better._ It wasn’t her fault her grandmother would never see that.

_It’s for my own good._

When they’d talked, when she’d learned he didn’t hate her for ghosting him, it had been like drawing breath again after being trapped underwater for a long while. 

It didn’t fix everything, of course, she still had Asterin to worry about, still had to stay focused on her schoolwork, but it made it all a little easier. 

**What did you want to talk about?** ****

That didn’t feel right, and she quickly deleted the text. Why was this so hard?

**I have feelings for you…** ****

_Gods no, she couldn’t write that…_

Abraxos hopped onto the kitchen table, where she was sitting, knocking down a pencil in the process. Manon didn’t bother yelling at him, too busy with the texting. He wouldn’t care, nevertheless. ****

Before she had the chance to write another failed attempt at basic communication, her phone buzzed, a text from Dorian popping up on the screen. _Shit…_

Manon nearly dropped her phone in her hurry to open the message, her heart thundering in her chest. 

**Dorian: Did you mean it?** _17:05_

She let out a shaky breath, trying to figure out a response.

**Manon: Mean what?** _17:05_

The typing bubbles showed up, disappeared, showed up again.

**Dorian: The kiss…** _17:06_

**Dorian: Or maybe I should say kisses;)** _17:06_ ****

Manon chuckled at that, a blush spreading on her face. Gods, when had she turned into this girl? Face red and stomach filled with butterflies.

**Manon: What would you do if I did?** _17:07_ ****

Her fingers hesitated over the _send-_ button for a while before hitting it, and she didn’t dare breathe as she waited for his answer.

**Dorian: I would ask you to do it again** _17:08_ ****

She couldn’t believe this was actually happening…

**Manon: Good.** _17:08_ ****

**Dorian: And after I’ve asked you to kiss me again, I would take you on a date.** _17:09_

A date…How could she possibly hide that from her grandmother? A wave crashed over the butterflies, drowning them, as the feeling of dread settled in her stomach. 

**Dorian: It would be very romantic, and very cliché;)** _17:10_ ****

Of course it would be…And she was curious as to what this- this _thing,_ between them was. Her grandmother would never understand, but she _needed_ this, deserved it, Manon knew that now.

**Manon: I’m already rolling my eyes.** _17:12_

**Dorian: I have no doubt you are:)** _17:13_

Damn him and the way he made her feel!

**Dorian: Is it a yes then? To a date?** _17:13_ ****

Manon blew a frustrated breath. If this went wrong, if anyone found out…From beside her, Abraxos gave her a look that said, _«Why the fuck are you hesitating?»_

«Fine, you’re probably right,» Manon mumbled back to the cat, sending the answering text before she could regret it. 

**Manon: We’ll see;)** _17:14_ ****

_What could go wrong?_

So many things could, but Manon had a test by the end of the week, and she needed to study now. Putting the phone on silent and placing it on the table, she shifted her attention to the books in front of her. 

Her phone buzzed once, twice.

Manon knew it was Dorian, but she told herself she could check it later. She had to focus on biology now. 

And she _did_ try, but after reading the same sentence five times without understanding it, she at last gave in and picked up her phone to read the messages. The sight that met her had her bursting into laughter.

**Dorian: YOU USED AN EMOJI!!!!** ****

**Dorian: I’m shocked-** ****

**Dorian: Type 1 if you’re being held hostage** ****

**Dorian: Do you often use emojis? Just asking out of curiosity;)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I appreciate all the feedback I can get! Couldn't have done this without y'all<3

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @dawninlatin
> 
> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3LFklksVGgX4X8LxoYzbbK?si=OaY0tlsZSUqUuqLcdFliHQ


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